Confessions of a payroll manager – The future is now!
Another episode in a series of occasional yet insightful / inciteful, anonymous and whimsical reports revealing the arcane, weird and sometimes torturous world of payroll frequented by payroll professionals. Y ou know it’s going to mean a huge amount of work when Mr Crumbitt bursts into the office proclaiming that he’s seen the future and “it never stops!” To be fair, we should’ve expected it after his space-themed future/fortune cookies idea which involved sending out 100s of biscuit sellers in full astronaut outfits. He was clearly in a forward thinking, ground-breaking mood and, quite astutely actually, he’d figured out that 24/7 was key. For payroll, Mr Crumbitt’s round- the-clock dream scenario meant a new call-logging service described as “life changing” by a slightly over-zealous marketing executive consultant called Tarquin Thunderstruck (surely not his real name?!) who visited the office, charmed all the ladies and got everyone fired up about a phone service. That’s serious skills right there. I confess to being pretty impressed by it all myself in the end. Tarquin explained that the system could be set up to answer FAQs [frequently asked questions], which, if figured-out correctly, we could use to stop repeat queries getting through to real people and clogging up the phone lines. Of course, Tarquin’s ‘potential FAQs’ were a far cry from many of our real-life repeat queries and I struggled to imagine how the software would handle Colin Copstick (the temporary canteen manager and current ‘thorn in our side’) when he
bellowed his next apparently perfectly reasonable question at us that demanded an immediate answer. Still, we accepted that there wasn’t a system invented that could handle ‘the Copstick factor’, so decided to invest in the new software. The team brainstormed some potential queries – like: where can I get a copy of my payslip; what do I do if I don’t have a P45; how much holiday do I get – and mapped out a flowchart of responses. At one point, as the flowchart extended onto the third wall of a rather large room, Jace suggested that maybe it would be easier for everyone if all the calls were just diverted to his mobile 24/7 as he was an insomniac anyway. After reassuring Jace that there really was no need to devote his entire life to the company – and offering sound advice about sleep hygiene and turning off his XBox at 11p.m. at the latest – we were ready. The system went live just a week ago with Mr Crumbitt pressing the ‘start’ button like Kyle Minogue turning on the illuminations at Blackpool. There was a rather boisterous countdown which ended in something of an anti-climax as there was nothing really to see when the system kicked in … just a green light on the phone indicating we were live. Undaunted, Mr Crumbitt led the small gathering in a rousing cheer and a smattering of applause before leaving the office proclaiming “welcome to the future”. (Quite!) To keep on top of the new system I downloaded an app on my phone that showed me the usage and a list of questions being asked. It became a
little addictive; and by 11p.m. that same night I could see questions coming in covering everything including P11Ds, splitting tax codes, salary sacrifice and overseas expenses. Some were dealt with by the FAQs – so the massive flowchart definitely worked – while others would need to be picked up by the team during the workday, but I had no doubt it would reduce the volume of calls. As I briefed the team the next morning, we were all really chuffed with how it was all going. However, as the phones remained resolutely quietened I started to feel a bit sad that I wasn’t having to handle the normal range of random requests and quizzical queries. I was only stopped on the factory floor once for an impromptu tutorial on how to read a payslip. I felt so redundant that I even found myself asking people if they needed any help while I was passing – ordinarily I skip past with my head down muttering something about sending emails and giving the team a call. But then you should always be careful what you wish for. Just as I got myself settled at my desk and resigned to a quiet afternoon, a familiar, thorny voice boomed outside the door, “Well, I’m not using the chuffing phone! I want to speak to a human. Get me a human!” Ah well, thanks to the Copstick factor, at least I’m not quite redundant yet. ❏ The Editor: Any resemblance to any payroll manager or professional alive or dead, or any payroll department or organisation whether apparently or actually portrayed in this article is simply fortuitous.
| Professional in Payroll, Pensions and Reward | February 2018 | Issue 37 54
Made with FlippingBook flipbook maker