Nothing, zero, nada is the answer by Terry Carroll One of my writing friends/competitors is the mother of a son who may become the next Bertrand Russell, the Brit who co- founded analytic philosophy and co- authored Principia Mathematica with Al- fred North Whitehead. Currently in Grade
A straight-and-true stretch of pavement on the Graham Road, aka Highway 76, had been marked off by some devil to tempt me. One night, I drove the Ford truck to this improvised drag strip and ran it through the gears. No one else was with me. There was no timer. Why did my almost seventeen-year-old mind think the speed of a cattle truck in a quarter mile mattered? Possibly, it had something to do with the biggest preoccupation of a teenage boy in West Elgin, right up there with getting a girl from town to say ‘Yes’ … the desire to be cool in front of other guys standing around doing nothing. That mattered. But, as it turned out, not nearly as much as the wind. I was heading south into a gale blowing up from Lake Erie. As I approached the finish line, the plywood top lifted and floated as awkwardly and gracefully as a great blue heron toward a ditch. The next day, in the cattle barn when my dad asked me what had happened, a couple of steers lowed in sympathy with my plight. I didn’t exactly lie. I flitted like a butterfly above the truth. I said it was the wind. He didn’t buy it. Follow-up questions ensued. But I had years of experience, dating back to Grade Four. To dummy up successfully (a) stay the course, (b) be consistent, and (c) confess the square root of nothing. For a master class lesson in the art of saying nothing, zero, nada, while not actually lying, email terry@carrollgroup.ca for rates. Discounts available to elementary school students.
Four, this wunderkind multiplies big numbers in his head. He’ll start with, say, 423, multiply it by 2, multiply that answer by 2, the result by 3, and that number by 3, and come up with the right answer without pen, paper or calculator. As a side note, with his dark shock of hair and black-rimmed glasses, he looks ready for Trinity College, Cambridge when he turns sixteen, or equally prepared to audition for a Harry Potter role. However, in other ways, he’s a regular Grade Four kid. When he comes home from school, and his curious, friend- ly, caring mother asks him what happened today, he answers with the equivalent of ‘Zero’. Now, it’s possible he mumbles this while contemplating mathematics before zero was a number. But I suspect something else is at work — a growing boy’s natural reticence to disclose, an inclination that lasts well beyond the fourth grade. In 1967, my father owned a three-quarter-ton Ford truck with a V-8 engine and a four-on-the-floor shifter that started in bull low. He had racks built for the sides, a gate for the back and a plywood top. All for hauling a few steers to and from auction sales. Geoffrey Rae Managing Editor / Sales Geoff@villagerpublications.com 519-495-7177 Copy Editor: Peter Bloch-Hansen Publisher: Barb Botten barb@villagerpublications.com Graphic Artist – Cathy Wood Photos, community events and article suggestions welcome. Please email hometown@villagerpublications.com. We look forward to hearing from you. oomers oomers B and B EYOND YOUR COMMUNITY FUNERAL, CELEBRATION AND CREMATION CENTRE
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