weather – with their climate activism, climate advocacy, heightening of climate awareness, etc. – but they’ve curled up with Netflix and are too cozy to complain. Thus, today’s students are graduating from school literally too stupid to come in out of the rain. But so did we. So did everyone. That’s the way it’s always been. We don’t get much of our education in school. This leaves me in charge of the education my kids get outside school... OK, I’m lying... My wife is in charge of that. And my kids can be damn thankful for it. But I try to do my little bit. I give them two rules: Mind your own business and keep your hands to yourself. I call these “The Bill and Hillary Clinton Rules” because... Mind your own business, Hillary. And, Bill, keep your hands to yourself. Then I invoke the “Fairness Precept,” which began with my eldest daughter, a child much given to exclamations of “That’s not fair!” One day when she was about eight or nine and had worked herself up into a huge snit about the unfairness of something or other I lost my patience and snapped at her... “Not fair?” I said. “You’re cute. That’s not fair. Your parents are pretty well off. That’s not fair. You were born in America . THAT’S not fair. Honey, you’d better get down on your knees and pray to God that things don’t start getting ‘ fair ’ for you!”
Finally, I teach them about hypocrisy. My mentor on the subject was my old friend (and American Consequences contributor) Andy Ferguson. Andy’s children are older than mine. When his were in junior high and mine were still little, I asked Andy what he was going to say when he was asked – as he inevitably would be – “Dad, did you take drugs?” Andy, a fellow survivor of the “Better Living Through Chemistry” era, replied, “I’ll say I never took any drugs, ever.” “Andy,” I said, “what about that 1970s photo of you on the mantle with your hair down to your butt and a guitar?” “But Andy,” I said, “you’ve published books where you’ve written about being stoned out of your gourd.” “Reading is part of a good education,” Andy said, “but when it comes to reading there’s one thing you can count on with your kids – they will never read anything written by their fathers.” Presumably, that includes what I’m writing here. Therefore, I have told my children that I never took drugs, never had sex until I was married to their mom, and that when I was a kid I made my bed every morning before I left for school. If the kids believe that, they’ll believe anything. They might even believe in getting a good education. “I’ll say I was playing in a band that performed ‘folk mass’ at church.”
American Consequences 9
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