NEXT AVENUE SPECIAL SECTION
Transitioning from Caregiving to Living By Myrna Marofsky
Ben's eyes glistened with tears as he spoke to me about moving his wife to a memory care community when he could no longer handle her care. "Now she is there, and I am here. I wake up and can't figure out what I'm supposed to do." For five years, I was my husband's 24/7 care partner. When he passed away, I expected the grief of his death. I didn't expect the disorientation that came when my caregiving role ended. No longer was I consumed with how his dementia would manifest itself. Instead of constantly asking, "What if?" I was faced with "What now?" Life after caregiving is a huge readjustment — first, the exhaustion, then the realization that things are different, including you, and then the task of defining a new life path. It is a story of finding yourself again after months and years of giving yourself to others.
Barb Peterson, a clinical professor at the School of Nursing at the University of Minnesota with a specialty in psychiatric and mental health, describes caregiving as trauma-inducing. As a result, she says, "ending caregiving requires post-traumatic healing." Peterson looks at this healing as a process. She describes it as "a time for exploration, giving yourself the freedom to let your brain accept things as they are, being present in the moment, and being courageously honest in asking what I want?" She adds, "No one is rushing you to do anything." In other words, it is a life transition that requires re-calibration with special considerations. Do not ignore the aftermath of caregiving trauma. Lingering exhaustion, guilty relief and confusion do not disappear quickly. The stark realities of age, health, safety and finances result in fearful thinking.
With intention, the end of caregiving can be an opportunity to create a life designed for you, by you, with no timeline.
That's why I call this "re-calibrating" rather than "re-inventing." Re-calibrating focuses on what can exist with some mending, adjusting, repairing, and, in some cases, replacing. "Re-inventing" implies a makeover and feels intimidating and frightening. With intention, the end of caregiving can be an opportunity to create a life designed for you, by you, with no timeline.
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