Vol 11. Edition 2
News from CannaTown
Page 13
Opinion
Explosive Defecation in Public is Wrong No Matter What, Sir By MR. MILTON, SR. I must stop you, sir. I saw you relieving your case of the rumble-booty over there in the Sporting Goods section and I ask you, have you no shame, no decency? Chocolate thun- der all over the bike helmets? Sloshing the Aztec two-step all over those skateboards? From the looks of it, you’ve brewed a whole batch of Chef Boyardee and tracked it through the aisles! Is there anything more vile? Do you not see the bell tolls for us all? We can’t just blurgle the joggins like total anarchists, wherever we please! Can we not all agree that projectile diarrhea should be kept indoors, at home, and not brought to a golf club or bridal shower or pep rally? Sure, we can’t concur about the books in libraries, or how much taxes to collect and pay for what, but should this not be the one principle we can all agree upon? at not you, myself, nor any other living person in our nation, is privy to freedoms beyond this restriction? Can we not all agree at least on one sole principle, that we members of society cannot merely strew our own feces about in public like Johnny Appleseed a er a bottle of poorly-aged apple bourbon? Can we all not commit to keep such atrocities to the privacy of our own home latrines? If others feel di erently about turning your posteriors into re hoses for the public evacuation of your bowels, then I’ll surely consider. But I don’t think I’m an inch out of line to say, if you’re going to “make” like you just got back from a Tijuana taco stand, please step away from the bus stop! Cork that crapper at the funeral. Let’s not oat a trout while we’re sitting at the DMV. And let’s stop pinching that loaf in the elevator (it’s bad enough with the cabbage aroma).
If you’ve got to launch a torpedo, especially of the Jackson Pollack style, for the love of crackers and Cheez Whiz, use the facilities? Now I know, sometimes you’ve just gotta cra a fudge pop. I’m sure we’ve all had to cut some rope when we’re campin’. And yes, I have had that urge to lay a brick at the DMV myself. But I didn’t let the turtles loose. And neither should you! Where have we gone in this society where we just don’t care at all, whether our fellow neighbor hunkers down to slop out the bum slugs right there in the street? Why did you , sir? What would our forefathers, and their fathers, say if they knew we’d all just start walkin’ around with our butt burritos out for all to see? Know this: Your deuces are your own. No matter how drunk or mad, happy or downtrodden you may be, your fel- low citizens depend on this one thing, this one noble and holy fundamental truth we must all embrace: that you deploy the U.S.S. Brown sh on your terms, door closed . If we can maintain this one principle, there is still hope for the Union. Otherwise, we fall. Sir, I purchased an extra roll of paper towel as an act of good will. Please pay it forward and go wipe up the trouser chili on the oor.
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