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Dispatches from the Highlands
$4.20 Cents
Christember in CannaTown
I Just Made is Satchel Last a Whole Month Anything can happen in this crazy year, and for the rst time, something magical just happened at my humble little apart- by Hugh Jollydab
World's Most Genius Work Ever Destroyed e most starkly-intelli- gent writing of all time existed for brief moment, following an IQ experi- ment testing high-grade live rosin on some of the world's most advanced thinkers. e program, part of the Toking Fel- lowship at Cannatown University, got test sub- jects "high AF" before subjecting them to a list of questions engineered to produce pure human genius. One subject, Oliver Jenkins, produced output so advanced that it broke records on mul- tiple levels. But like the elusive "God" particle appearing for a brief mo- ment in a semi-conduc- tor, the written thesis lasted mere seconds in entirety, when Jenkins, stoned as a shithouse rat, exclaimed his "work was complete" whilst ac- cidentally soaking it with a canister of kerosene that was sitting nearby for no apparent reason. While the chemical only smudged the work, it wasn't until the pages were pitched into the path of a lit bunsen burn- er--also sitting nearby for no given reason--that the greatest, most en- lightening wisdom of all time was was wholly and inde nitely incinerated within seconds. e only recorded evidence of the brilliant acheivement ex- ists in memory of those who stonedly sat listen- ing to Jenkin's grunts as he wrote. e ideas and randomly spoken words, pieced together, report- edly spoke of war, pesti- lence, money, chickens, peanut butter, detergent, underwater spaceships, the whoopee cushions, and nonequilibrium physics.
ment: I made this satchel last a whole month. at's right ye homies of little faith, I did the impossible--something we all talk about casually but nobody’s ever seen it done. A whole month. Just imagine ! Well, that’s 2025 for you. It wasn't easy of course. First I used
balloons. Every pu was at least a double-pu . en I was really careful to remove each morsel and speck of dust from my grinder using a shaving kit brush like a compulsive archeologist. en I pre-measured each bowl and planned a whole regimen that would get me through. I kept a satchel log and alarms on my phone. I even downloaded a satchel dieting app that paced me hard, kept my J's thin and bowls packed light. I get a lot of satchels, but for some reason I was just being really careful with this one, some unbelievable Phnom Penh. And I saw a di erence, the way the nuggersh just seemed to last. Even so, at my steady two pu s per four hours I was fast on the path to buzzkill by fortnight’s end. I realized early the rst week, that I’d never make it a month, much less, a week at most. Just like 99.99% of my other satchels, I was about to roast a couple fatties until morning because it was such a lost cause trying to hold back. en all of a sudden, the unthinkable happened: I lost my satchel. I thought maybe I threw it away or laundry or le it out by the bong. I tore apart my refrigerator looking for it. en I scoured the rest of my favorite stash points but couldn’t nd it. I reached a working theory aer thinking and thinking and clawing at the carpet--I guessed that in a t of highness, that I’d somehow hauled o and cheefed the whole thing, wholly unbeknownst to myself. Not entirely a far-fetched scenario, if you remember my last anksgiving “feast” right? I put up signs about a missing satchel all over town. People called to say they'd spotted it, but then it turned out, they were looking at their own satchels and it was the wrong satchel. Oh wait, shit, this is the satchel I just bought, they'd say. But I didn’t let it get me down. I knew in my heart of hearts that the satchel wasn't in the garbage. I knew one day, I'd chief her again. I’ll admit, I was a weak man. I still went and bought me a couple other satchels in meantime. But a couple days ago, right before the month ended, I found her, crammed behind the Xbox. It was like discovering treasure, man, it was so special. is one, this one satchel lasted, the longest-term satchel I've ever had. And I wouldn’t believe it unless it happened to me.
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