Vol 12. Edition 6
News from CannaTown
Page 9
CANNASCOPES : Discover Your Fortune! Aries - Aer unsuccessfully operating your microwave for the last ten minutes, you will realize you've been stonedly setting the clock. Taurus - As you're about to discover, there are worse things than waking up teetering on a plank on the edge of a cli over the ocean. Gemini - Be careful what satchels you pass on today, for you know not which satchels tomorrow may sling. Cancer - When nally you go to spark that all-keef spli , you'll remember, you already did that 15 minutes ago and damn, was it potent. Leo - ere's no way around it. We all leave a legacy, and yours will be atulence. Virgo - To answer their quizzical faces, yes, some of that windswept alley garbage got stuck in your beard.
Libra - ere's nothing weird about your gaining y pounds during the pregnancy, except that it wasn't your pregnancy. Scorpio - It'd be dicult to tell how very little you add to society, if you weren't liter- ally live-streaming it all day . Sagittarius - You can't tell why, but pizza rolls just taste better when they're scalding your mouth. Capricorn - Now you know for next time: when you give blood, they don't let you just bring in a bucket of your own. Aquarius - On today's episode of stoned you, how long does it take to ruin your spouse's entire wardrobe in the washing machine? Pisces - You're not really sure what to do, but the Alexa has been quietly weeping to itself for hours and you really feel like you should say something supportive.
What Came to Pass News in Brief
RECESSION SPARKS RECESSION FEARS Despite major gains over the last few hours, steep drops have all but decimated the last ten years of growth in just a matter of minutes. “We’re entering a bear market,” said portfolio manager of Wealth Management at CannaTown Bank, Sandra O’Hare. “Even as we speak, that bear market is becoming just a correction . No, wait, it’s completely bull.” Indexes are still down about 100% from last Tuesday, but up 150% if you include energy and Tom’s burrito stand earnings. “It seems like it either goes up, or it goes down,” said O’Hare. “It’s going up, but now it’s going down. And now it’s neither.” Commodi- ties remain unscathed, but futures are close behind. And it’s technology, coming around the outside, but--now it’s down, major losses. Retailers are up-- no, crashing , oh, your pen- sion! And it’s textiles for the win, by a nose! Oh, it sure has been fun folks, we’ll be here bright and early tomorrow to do it all again.
Costumed corn eld e gy res up 420%, Pg B4
Stories in Today’s Other Sections Stoner scientists develop new type of utility bill that pays itself ................................... D7 Nefarious knitters nabbed a er authorities latch on to similar patterns.................. .....E2 Purp announces new sweepstakes to win full day picking, trimming his purp. ......H21 is hotbox ain’t big enough for the two of us....................................................... .....G13
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