T A L K I N G IT O V E R with Dr. Clyde M. Narramore
HOW CAN A WIFE HELP A PERFECTIONIST HUSBAND TO EXPRESS LOVE AND WARMTH? Q. How can I build a happy life with a perfectionist husband who cannot show love and affection? The house always has to be in “perfect” order; our three children have to act like grownups. He will seldom ad mit that he is wrong, and he never apologizes for angry words. I am a very warm, affectionate person and yearn for a similar response in my husband, but my needs are not ful filled. How can I hold this marriage together? A. This problem is a very common one. All such behavior has a cause. There is a reason why your husband is acting this way. Psychologists have a little “ rule of thumb.” There is always a reason why a woman, a man, or a child acts a certain way. There is a cause, or multiple causes, behind all behavior problems. If you are going to understand your hus band, you must realize that there is not only a reason why he is acting the way he is, but likely many com bined reasons for his behavior. Usually when a man is a perfec tionist, he wants others to be “ per fect,” too. A man who will never ad mit a wrong and never apologizes is usually a very insecure person. He may have been reared in a home where he felt insecure. This type of person grows up to love himself, build himself up because basically he is an insecure adult. He can’t af ford to apologize because by so do ing he admits to the world, himself and his mate that he is wrong. Be coming a p e r fe c tio n is t may also originate from his early life with his mother and father, one or both of whom may have been perfection ists. That may have been the pat tern set in his own home. What can be done about a man like this? He needs professional help. A man whose attention is upon himself cannot give love and affection. He is not concerned about the needs of others; he is too concerned about himself. All of this would change with the understanding of himself that would come during counseling sessions. If your husband broke his foot, he undoubtedly would want medical treatment immediately; he has something worse than a broken
Dr. Narramore, graduate ot Columbia University, New York City, is a nationally known psychologist. Ho is the director of one of America's
largest psychological clinics— The Christian Counseling confer in Rosemead, California.
foot! He has a very limping and lame kind of marriage and an un happy home situation in real need of help. Encourage him to seek help along with you. Your responsibility is to be just as kind as you can toward him. Keep from arguing, make yourself as attractive as possi ble, and look to the Lord for the enablement. There are materials which will help a great deal. Most men have never read a book about themselves or about husbands in general, such as “ The Father in the Home.” I do not hit men over the head in this booklet, but try to help them under stand themselves and encourage them to face their responsibilities as husbands and fathers. If you are a clever woman you might try put ting some freshly baked cookies in a dish beside his favorite chair; then put this booklet alongside the dish. Then when he reaches for the cookie, he’ll also see the little booklet and he might read it. We look at human beings as both physical and spiritual. Sometimes personality problems are the result of physical causes and it is always well to consider this. If a man is physically well and a doctor finds no malady, then spiritual help may be needed, such as a pastor or a Chris tian psychologist can give. Behavior problems and personality maladjustment should not be over looked. Life and time is precious and a person need not live in misery, when help toward proper adjustment is available. HIDEOUS MONSTERS DRIPPING BLOOD Q. Do you think it is right to allow children, all under ten years of age, to play with a card game on which are pictures of hideous faces of monsters, dripping blood? My wife thinks it is all right, but I do not
approve. I feel while we cannot shield our children from all that is unlovely, we can keep these things out of our home and give them things of beauty, love and godliness instead. We are newly “ bom again” and want very much to do what is right. A. This is a good question, and I am glad that as a new Christian family you want to clean up around your house. All of us who have been be lievers for some years need continual “ clean-ups” around our homes, too. I think your motive here is right and that you should think about the things you put in the minds and hands and before the eyes of your children. This little game in itself may not amount to very much, but I think the important point behind it is that we need to seriously consider what kind of influences we bring to bear on our children. As far as this little game is concerned, I think you ought to get rid of it. Burn it up so no one else can use it. We read in the Word of God that “Whatsoever things are true, what soever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are love ly, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things” (Philippians 4 :8 ). Surely this is a warning to all of us. There are so many things in this life which we can accept or we can reject. Continually we are having to make decisions. As believers, I think we should ask ourselves how our choices and decisions will affect our children. We should put no unwholesome pictures, literature or playthings be fore our precious boys and girls to influence them negatively. Instead we should set before them things of beauty and loveliness to influence their lives in a positive way.
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THE KING'S BUSINESS
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