ETIQUETTE primer
“Manners, we know, are considered somewhat at a discount in these days” wrote Mrs. Massey Lyon in her English classic Etiquette in 1926. A recent UCLA study showed that “please” is only used 7% of the time when making requests. Johns Hopkins established a Civility Initiative in 2000 and published a book by the late Professor P. M. Forni, Choosing Civility. Peggy Noonan wrote a column for the Wall Street Journal recent- ly on the decline of manners. Perhaps someone cut in front of you in the line for coffee this morning. These all suggest that perhaps we are forgetting our manners! I know my grandmothers would be horrified by girls and women on the street in yoga pants, men with their shirts untucked, people walking and drinking coffee from paper cups, and the sharing of personal information on social media. Cell phones everywhere would be beyond the Pale. There is a rise in the use of profanity, social media allows us to attack and demean others anonymously, self-care seems to translate into “It is all about me.” Fewer families dine together which makes it challenging for children to learn good manners. On the other hand, think of the great strides we have made in equal op- portunities for all people. In many ways we are a more inclusive society than we used to be. I look for kindness and see it everywhere which gives me hope. Manners are showing kindness, consideration and respect for other peo- ple, and etiquette is how a particular culture practices manners. Manners are intertwined with ethics and civility, all of which allow people to get along and society to move forward. Some argue that manners are ex- clusive and allow people to feel superior to others. I argue that good manners are inclusive and available to everyone. Jane Austen wrote, “Manners is what holds a society together. At bottom propriety is con- cern for other people. When that goes out the window, the gates of hell are shortly opened and ignorance is King.” At their best, good manners are about doing the next right, kind, just thing. Manners have evolved. We no longer have the staff or the time for lei- surely white tie, many course, dinners nightly. Only a fortunate few of us need to know the etiquette for hosting or attending private balls or what should be in a trousseau, to which Emily Post devoted an entire chapter in her 1922 edition. But we do need to know cell phone etiquette and workplace etiquette and “netiquette.” Life problems that Mrs. Post and Mrs. Massey never envisioned. The demise of the art form of etiquette is clear in the vitriol of the politics of today, the profanity and explicit sensuality of popular media, and in the way service staff are treated. When was the last time you received a thank you note? Not only do we miss civility, but its decline is partly responsible for the epidemic of isolation and loneliness this country is experiencing. What to do about this decline in civility? David Brooks, the brilliant New York Times columnist, writes in his book How to Know a Person that the worst thing we can do to a person is not to hate them, rather it is not to see them. We can start by actually slowing down and seeing people. Take the time to listen to people and engage with them. Choose the check out line with a human rather than the self check out. Start to connect. Paul Zak, a professor at Claremont who studies the neuroscience of human connection, has demonstrated that when we are kind to someone, it releases oxytocin in them which makes them want to be kind in return. Let’s look for the kindness around
Amy Meyers
us and see how we can be kinder in our daily lives. It will be good for your health. People form an impression of you within seven seconds of laying eyes on you – an impression based on your deportment, your clothes, your expression. They will decide if you are capable, organized, trustworthy just by looking at you. Good manners are proven to be good for our ca- reers. People hire and promote people they like, people who have high emotional intelligence, people they feel comfortable with and believe they can trust. Being on time, appropriately dressed, knowing proper et- iquette in different situations, treating all people respectfully is important to co-workers, bosses and clients. It is proven that social skills are more important to professional success than technical skill. Good manners are important to our social lives. Think about your friends. Mine are thoughtful, trustworthy, good listeners and supportive. They also behave with civility to all people. I am sure we have all dined with that person who harangues a waiter or never offers to buy a round. Do you look forward to dining with them again? Good manners begin at home. The way the next generation will learn good manners is by watching us live them even when no one is looking. We need to teach by doing. We need to pay attention to young people, listen to them, express curiosity about their interests. We need to see them and speak kindly. If we treat the people in our house with courtesy, that will carry over into the rest of our lives and their lives. There has been a decline in the art form of etiquette which is noticed by every generation but we can’t give up the fight for civility, and we can each do the next polite, kind, respectful, right thing. And we can build community by hosting more parties! Amy Meyers is a certified etiquette trainer. More information at: mrsmeyersetiquette.com or @mrsmeyersetiquette
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