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Dispatches from the Highlands
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CannaTown News
CITY DISMANTLES AUTO FLEET PIECE BY PIECE TO SAVE GAS
In a quest to save on what has been called a glut of city-funded gasoline, Cannatown has begun destroying the city’s eet of automo- biles one by one, a move seen by some not only as controversial but, “really dumb.” At the helm of the junking operation, is rich Mr. Melon Mudd, and his small team of eager, pimpled pages, the Department of Total Eww. “Look, the people around here with the most money were pissed o about having to pay for the gas, even though it’s just pennies from their vast fortunes,” said city nance manager Heidi Jackson. “Today we honor them by bringing in a random non-machinist to attack the problem as fast as possible.” But this isn't just the fantasy quest of an ignorant, universally-despised weirdo. Lead- ers say Mudd’s top quali cation, wealth, was the main driver of his consideration for the job, whilst not addressing that the wealth has come directly from CannaTown. “ is guy has no experience in how cars work,” said Jackson. “But he was pretty pissed about all that gasoline.” “We’re so pleased at how fast he’s been re- acting and just destroying without question,” she added, “it’s almost impulsive, and like, fast and furious.” e eet of cars, however, will likely not be going fast or furious any time soon. As part of his rst order of business, Mudd ordered all gasoline tanks be duct-taped shut. Parts were removed at random, and cars, tested for improvement. Despite eyewitness accounts on the contrary, Mudd swears the xes are amazing, super genius, and not, like, related to the half-burned blunt in his oce. His biggest target: the controversial ‘car engine.’ “Everybody knows this thing sucks up the most gasoline,” Mudd reported. “ is is the majority of the waste right here. You could almost say it’s abusing us to crocodile tears because we’re paying for all that gas.” “We’re saving literally trillions of dollars. Maybe even bajillions of dollars.” Mudd said.
Opponents -- who leaders are calling absolute communists and thieves -- argue that it’s more important to address the parts of a car that most a ect fuel injection and eciency, and x them, things like lters, plugs, sensors, and an archaic air condition- ing unit that needs an update for sucking so much energy. “I know it’s radical,” said mechanic Barney Miles, “but maybe totaling the whole eet of cars isn’t the best way to x the problem.” “We kind of, like, need the cars to still run,” Miles said. Another problem is that 40% of the gas purchased to drive the cars came directly from CannaTown itself, leaving another gap- ing budget gap. “Just imagine if this was farm land, and emergency food for the needy we were talking about,” said city councilmem- ber Shayna Robinson. “ ank God, it’s just gasoline.” Drivers of the cars say the changes have already had an impact, in that they are no longer able to operate, much less move the automobiles from the garage. “ e value of the eet may have accordingly dropped 80%,” said Mudd, “but the people who need those deliveries can go F themselves.” Next up the eet is to undergo a complete installment of new batteries, along with new cars, installed around those batteries. e work is set to be done by Mudd, who draed the MS Word contract and sent it to the mayor via social media post. Mudd would also own the cars and park them in his giant 500-car garage. With the gas budget tamed for now, the city government has poured pure concrete into the old garage and will be selling the giant paperweight to the highest out-of-town bidder as soon as possible. A protest against the totaling of CannaTown’s eet began early Saturday morning near the capitol building; every protester questioning Mudd’s antics or invasive access to privacy were kindly hosed.
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