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Dispatches from the Highlands
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SPACE EXPERTS: ASTEROID ON 7-YEAR COLLISION COURSE WITH YOUR MOM NASA has just released a big update about asteroid 2024 YR4, the so-called “city-killer” that seems destined to hit the planet. When it was rst discovered last December, research- ers thought there was a small but real chance that it could hit Earth in 2029. But aer more observations and calculations, scientists now say the risk has only increased, and in fact, they are able to pinpoint the exact collision point within 0.004% accuracy. And that collision point is: your mother. New data shows there’s a 4.20% chance that the asteroid could crash into your mom on April 20, 2032. If that happens, it could leave a massive crater, but since she doesn’t have any population or cities (the only person living in your mom is your mom, as far as we know), the casualties would be “fairly low.” But it would not bode well for the space rock either. "Asteroid 2024 YR4 is somewhere between 130 and 300 feet wide," said chief NASA scientist Beverly Mills. "We consider it a size more than adequate to not only start something with your mother, but to really mess shit up for everyone if it does." Mills went on to say that, when NASA rst learned of the asteroid's existence, they knew right away there'd be a "showdown." OTHER HEADLINES Cannatown sells $290 million “Black Card" to non-residents Card comes with privelege to delete whole city system pg 150 Prolapsed anus approved as latest cabinet member pg 157 FBI releases Epstein stapler user list pg 166 Brave Little Toaster dead at 67 pg 171 **Brought to you by MiniGolf of America Ave.* “Still located on Mexico Ave.”
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