How to Set Healthy Boundaries (Core Competencies: 1.4; 1.6; 1.10; 2.6; 3.2; 3.5; 3.7; 4.2; 4.10; 4.15; 4.17; 4.19) What you tell yourself about setting boundaries is directly related to your ability to set boundaries. Identifying the beliefs that may limit your ability to set boundaries can create opportunities to challenge in a gentle way those beliefs. The following provides some examples of limiting beliefs and gentle challenges. Limiting Belief Gentle Challenge / Self-Affirmation I cannot say “no” to others. I have a right to say “no” to others when harm is
being done or disrespect for a person’s or community’s existence is perpetuated. I have a right to communicate boundaries to take care of myself. I have a right to take the risk to grow in my relationships with others. If I feel my boundaries are being violated or ignored, I can assertively protect myself to reduce any harm I may experience. I know it is important to respect that I am part of a community and to do things that are uniquely mine so that I do not lose sense of my whole self. I deserve mutual respect and bodily autonomy. I have the right to address violations and injustices.
I have to be available to my peer no matter what.
I can never trust anyone again.
I would feel guilty if I did something on my own. It does not matter what they are doing to me. As long as I keep quiet and do not complain, they will eventually leave me alone. As long as I am not seen or heard, I will not be violated or hurt. I would rather not pay attention to what is happening to me in this relationship that is overly intrusive, smothering, and violating my privacy. In this way, I do not have to feel the pain and hurt that comes from such a violation. I have been hurt badly in the past and I will never let anyone in close enough to hurt me again. I can never tell where to draw the line with others.
I have a right to be visible and to be seen and heard.
I choose to stay present with my feelings when I am being treated in a harmful way so that I can be aware of what is happening to me and assertively protect myself from further violation or hurt. In this way, I show respect to myself and communicate what connection feels good to me. I choose to open myself to others in ways that feel nurturing, and I have the right to communicate my needs and boundaries. I make a commitment to listen with curiosity to myself and others, knowing that boundaries may change over time or throughout a relationship.
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