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JANUARY 2022
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Food for the Soul Still My Favorite Music
Some of the first concerts I attended were by Soul Asylum at First Avenue in downtown Minneapolis. They’ve been one of my favorite bands ever since. They were a significant part of my adolescence, and it was a lot of fun to see a band from Minneapolis make it big. We arrived in Minneapolis just as their album Grave Dancers Union dropped and the song “Runaway Train” took off. I remember they even got to play at the White House as part of President Clinton’s inauguration, and it was with a bit of pride that we could say that we knew them before they were huge. I first had their albums on cassette — the format of the day — and would listen to them in my car as I drove around town. I generally prefer their earlier stuff, which was grungier and more like The Replacements, to the pop music they produced in the 1990s. My favorite song is “Crashing Down” from their 1986 album While You Were Out. I’d play that one over and over again. Before the internet, we all used to make copies of tapes and trade them around. I remember back in Connecticut there was this little record shop (Johnnys) that had a wall full of Grateful Dead bootlegs. I can still see the owner’s handwritten titles in my mind. I don’t remember how much he charged for a cassette, but it was more than I could afford — and the fact that he could go in the back and make more copies made the price seem even more exorbitant. Thankfully,
“They say the music you loved as a teenager is what sticks with you years later, and in my case, that’s definitely true.”
you always knew somebody who knew somebody who knew somebody who’d be willing to copy the tape for you.
Soul Asylum has gone up and down in popularity, but they still tour each year. Even when my wife and I were living in New York, Soul Asylum would come through about once a year, and we’d always catch the show. The last time we saw them in New York, I was hanging out on the balcony during the opening act when I noticed the band’s guitarist, Dan Murphy, standing near me. It was exciting to get to chat with him for a minute. He left the band shortly after that — hopefully, his departure wasn’t my fault! Today, it’s still a tradition for my wife, a couple of high school friends, and me to see them live when they play at First Avenue every year around Christmas. The concerts are a little different these days. First, lead singer Dave Pirner is the only original member still with the band. Second, the fans have all gotten older; while the floor used to be a mosh pit, the crowds these days are a bit more mellow. But the band still puts on a good show and plays a nice mix of old and new songs. They say the music you loved as a teenager is what sticks with you years later, and in my case, that’s definitely true. A whole lot has changed in my life since I was a kid hanging out down at First Avenue, but Soul Asylum’s music has been with me every step of the way — and hopefully will be for many more years to come.
–Andrew M. Ayers
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How Much Are Your Favorite Pants Worth? One Man Estimated His at $54 Million
Everyone knows that the perfect pair of pants can be hard to come by, but are they worth $54 million? Administrative Judge Roy L. Pearson had a favorite pair of pants, but in 2007, he claimed that Custom Cleaners lost them and returned a completely different pair instead. It all began when Pearson took his pants to the Washington, D.C., dry cleaners for alterations worth $10.50. The pants were sent in error to the incorrect dry cleaner, so Pearson’s pickup was delayed by several
though, was the company’s failure to live up to their “Satisfaction Guaranteed” and “Same Day Service” signs in the window.
The media had a field day, joking about the case as a “pantsuit” and inspiring a “Law & Order” episode called “Bottomless.” Pearson seemed to relish the spectacle, calling his lawsuit “an awesome responsibility” in court and breaking down into tears on the stand. He also called a witness who compared the Chungs to Nazis. Even though the Chungs offered him a $12,000 settlement to make the case go away, Pearson persevered. He ultimately lost his case. At the end of the trial, the judge declared that no reasonable person would consider the signs at Custom Cleaners to be an unconditional promise — and also that Pearson had failed to prove the returned pants weren’t his. The Chungs ultimately recovered their court costs via a fundraiser, and Pearson lost his judicial appointment. Unsurprisingly, this prompted another lawsuit, which he also lost. In 2020, Pearson was suspended from practicing law for 90 days as a result of his actions in Pearson v. Chung . But for bringing new meaning to the phase “I’ll sue the pants off of you,” his place in legal history is secure.
days. Once the pants were returned, despite bearing all the correct tags and matching his receipt, Pearson declared that the pants were not his. When the dry cleaner refused his demand for $1,000 compensation, he decided it was time for legal action. Pearson originally sued the cleaner’s owners, Soo Chung, Jin Nam Chung, and Ki Y. Chung, for a whopping $67 million in damages but later reduced the claim to a far more reasonable $54 million. In his suit, Pearson requested $3 million for mental distress, $90,000 for a rental car to visit another dry cleaner, and $500,000 in attorney’s fees (Pearson represented himself). At the heart of his claim,
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a gift or a card to show you’re thinking about them. These gifts cost resources, but as Newswire reports, multiple studies show that customer gifts increase retention. Invest in retention tools. Staying in touch with your customers is the best way to keep them happy and remind them that you care. You can stay on top of this by doing the hard work of reaching out personally each month, but it’s easier and more efficient to invest in recurring communications like automated weekly emails and regularly printed newsletters. Make personalization possible. In order to retain customers, you must build quality relationships with them. This starts with knowing who they are, what they need, and how they interact with your company and your marketing. To figure out those key points, you should gather and interpret a lot of data, both online and off. You can do some of this data-gathering and calculating yourself (for example, you might consider calculating the lifetime value or LTV of each client), but hiring a third-party data analytics company will help you take your retention marketing to the next level. SAS, Alteryx, Kissmetrics, and InsightSquared are great options for small-business owners. Hire (or create) a retention expert. If you truly want to maximize your retention, you need to make it an integral part of your team’s marketing approach. Investing in specialized training for
your team is one way to do this. But you can also hire a retention expert or shift one of your existing team members’ roles to focus exclusively on managing and retaining clients. Yes, hiring is expensive, but remember — increasing customer retention by just 5% can increase profits by as much as 95%. That new team member will pay for themselves in no time! Retention marketing mindset shifts will be game- changers for your company. You can start with one of these tips or dive into all of them. Whatever feels right for you, if you try these ideas, it won’t be long before you’ll see the difference in your bottom line.
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TAKE A BREAK
A CRASH COURSE ON OFFSHORE FINANCE
Like the Panama Papers released in 2016, the Pandora Papers published in October 2021 expose the financial secrets of some of the world’s wealthiest people. In particular, they detail how the very rich use offshore finance to hide the extent of their wealth.
But what exactly is offshore finance? Why do people use it? Is it even legal to use?
Offshore finance gets its name from the island and coastal locations where the practice of creating foreign tax havens originated. Today, offshore finance refers to any financial instruments or assets kept in countries that are not the owner’s country of residence.
DEEP-FRIED NEW YEAR’S ‘COOKIES’
When an offshore account is created, it follows the financial regulations of the nation in which it is held. Countries commonly used for offshore finance often have stricter
What do you get when you mix a cookie and a doughnut? A portzelky! This traditional Mennonite “New Year’s cookie” is perfect for sharing.
privacy laws and allow the creation of shell companies. Shell companies are organizations that exist on paper only, without employees or offices, but act as a legal “shield” against taxation and creditors. (At least 19,000 shell companies exist in the Cayman Islands alone.) Simply having an offshore bank account or shell company is not illegal or even necessarily a sign of nefarious activity. Lawyers and accountants who deal in offshore finance often know exactly how to use the law to their clients’ advantage. They can also propose solutions that are technically legal. But concerns arise since the countries chosen to hold wealth offshore tend to prevent foreign governments from inspecting their accounts; this makes legal vetting next to impossible. A lack of transparency is the main point of contention, and it’s the reason why many people look at offshore finance negatively. Because the U.S. government cannot determine which assets are being held offshore, it cannot impose any taxes on them. Some parties also view hiding wealth offshore as a way of protecting a person’s assets from civil lawsuits, creditors, or investigations in the owner’s home country. It’s estimated that over $1 trillion is held in offshore accounts, and studies indicate that the bulk of this money is owned by the ultra-wealthy. Further, experts believe that the tax revenue lost to offshore finance equals about $800 billion per year worldwide. As to whether or not the Pandora Papers will inspire changes to the law, we’ll just have to wait and see.
Ingredients
• 2 tbsp yeast • 1/2 cup water, warmed • 1/2 cup and 1 tsp sugar, divided • 5 eggs, beaten • 1/4 cup butter, softened
• 2 1/2 cups milk, warmed • 1 1/2 tsp salt • 4 cups raisins • 7 cups flour • 4 cups canola oil
Directions
1. In a large bowl, combine yeast, water, and 1 tsp sugar. Wait 10 minutes. 2. Stir in remaining sugar, eggs, butter, milk, and salt. 3. Fold in the raisins and flour. Cover the bowl with plastic wrap. Let the dough rise for an hour. 4. In a high-sided pot or deep fryer, heat canola oil to 340 F. Line a plate with paper towels. 5. Drop a rounded tablespoon of dough into the oil. Fry until golden brown, then set aside on the plate. Poke the cookie with a toothpick. If the toothpick comes out clean, it’s cooked through! 6. Repeat until the batter is gone.
Inspired by MennoniteGirlsCanCook.ca
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Andrew Shares His Love of Soul Asylum
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The Case of the $54 Million Pants
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Deep-Fried New Year’s ‘Cookies’ Offshore Finance 101
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6 Retention Strategies That Actually Work
Stop Losing Clients Today! 6 Ways to Rethink Your Retention Marketing
Retention is crucial to your business. According to Investopedia, acquiring a new client can cost five times as much as retaining an existing one. And if that doesn’t convince you, research from Bain & Company and the Harvard Business School both show that a 5% increase in customer retention can boost profits by as much as 95%.
If you don’t have appropriate retention strategies in place, 2022 is the perfect time to make a change! Here are six ways to completely rethink your retention marketing that will save your team time and money. Reallocate your resources. Don’t just talk the retention talk — walk the walk! In order to truly change your company’s ways, you need to invest in retention and reallocate your resources. Provide your team with additional training on customer service. Important points to emphasize for retention (per Forbes magazine) include frequent and friendly customer communication, transparency, active listening, and the value of relationship-building. Create a fund for customer perks and gifts. Celebrating your clients allows you to give them attention when they might appreciate it most. If you know a customer who recently had a baby or is going through a difficult time, consider sending
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