Know that others are grieving too. And they might say or do things that are not helpful to you. But please remember that they are trying to do what they think is best. If someone is not helping you at all with their attitude or advice, don’t hesitate to ask them to give you space. Turn yourself into a project manager extraordinaire.
his anxiety medicine. His help allowed Richard to calm down enough that I could get him home. It was early in Richard’s diagnosis, and I didn’t have it down yet. I think of that kind man often and am still so grateful for his help. Do the best that you can every day. And know that there will be days when your best may not be very impressive. But it’s the best that you can do for that moment. And that’s all you can ask of yourself. As they say on airplanes, “Put your own oxygen mask on before helping others.” You cannot help others if you are burning out yourself. Take the time to go out with friends, take a walk, or whatever makes you happy or at least gives you a break. Be kind to yourself. You will make silly mistakes due to stress, and big mistakes because you didn’t know any better at the time. There are days that you will not find joy in anything and that is to be expected. But try not to beat yourself up. Don’t be afraid of medical terms or doctors that tell you things you don’t understand. It’s their job to explain things to you. Ask questions and paraphrase back to ensure understanding. Ask again and again until you feel comfortable understanding the information you need to manage your situation. Talk about your predicament with forthright honesty. This lets others talk about it too. Learn to talk about uncomfortable topics that you never thought you would.
Do your best to accept your “new normal.”
Being the primary caregiver means managing lots of moving parts. Be as organized as you can. If this is not your skill set or you are too stressed out or busy to manage the many aspects of your loved one’s life, ask someone you trust to do it for you. And don’t think that once things are set up that they don’t need constant oversight. Situations can get out of hand fast without attention. For me, I managed a fabulous team of 24/7 caregivers, monitored the cleaning schedule I created, ensured Richard was eating a balanced diet, scheduled appointments, and purchased supplies and groceries. I also worked, and still made time to be with my husband. It was challenging, but I couldn’t have done all that without being a good project manager.
There is no point in expecting your life to be like it was before disease struck your life or like the lives of others in your peer group. Your life is different and special now and do what you can to enjoy it. Focus on what you can do instead of what you can’t. For us, international travel was a big part of our lives, and we can’t do that anymore. We can’t travel together outside our hometown of Tucson at all. But we can get in the car with a caregiver and take a trip to our local mountains for an hour. A good day for Richard wasn’t anything like a good day for a healthy person. Using traditional standards to measure for a successful day is neither appropriate nor gratifying. Measure success by your own customized standards.
March & April 2026, Never Too Late | Page 7
Pima Council on Aging
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