vs. incompetence; despair vs. hope. I’m forced to embrace a “both/and” rather than an “either/or” perception of my life. My grief is complicated: I’m challenged to both accept what is happening to my wife and our relationship and resist those changes by engaging in activities that tend to delay cognitive deterioration. Lesson 5: Delaying Cognitive Deterioration While at the present time there is no cure for the various kinds of dementia, there is research that indicates that there are activities that tend to delay dementia cognitive decline. My wife and I have been very fortunate to have discovered a unique local program: Elder Rehab. Developed by a retired University of Arizona psychology researcher, the program utilizes motivated UA students (many pursuing degrees in medicine or social services) who provide people with dementia with cognitive activities and physical exercises at a local gym. Carolyn also does weekly physical therapy. All of these have shown to slow cognitive decline. Another important activity is social engagement with others. We continue to usher at concerts for local classical musical organizations, and we participate in dementia-related activities that local organizations offer (mentioned above). We’re fortunate to live in a neighborly community with friends who support both of us. Our families, especially our two grown adult “children”, engage daily with us. Finally, sleep is an important factor, so we maintain good sleep “hygiene” in a quiet, dark bedroom and naps are taken during days with lots of activities.
DUET mentor who has been on his care partnership journey before me. A DUET 10-week course based on the book Loving Someone With Dementia by Pauline Boss was both a support group and an in-depth educational experience for me. I am also fortunate to be a member of a long-term men’s group, with “wise guys” who share vulnerability and loving support for one another as many of us have experienced pro- found loss in our lives. More recently, Carolyn and I began marriage counseling to explore
and improve our relationship as we transition from an
provided rich written resources both for my wife (and for her illness) and for me as a care partner. Support groups I attended led to more resources, such as the DUET organization in the Phoenix area with many online resources. I discovered that local organizations including Tucson Museum of Art, Tohono Chul Park, and Tucson Medical Center offered a variety of programs and activities for both my partner and me. I learned that for care partners, isolation and lack of support can not only be stressful but deadly. Support was not only available in groups, but individually one-on-one with a wonderful dementia-competent program counselor at PCOA and a
egalitarian relationship to a care giving/receiving partnership with changing power/control dynamics. Lesson 4: Embrace Ambiguity and Uncertainty To different degrees, all of us have needs for control, clarity and certainty in our life. Dementia and care partnership confront me with ambiguity and uncertainty. My wife is both physically present and increasingly not cognitively present. Her cognitive impairment fluctuates day-to-day and minute-to-minute. I am continually challenged to acknowledge my ambiguous feelings: love vs. frustration; grief and loss vs. gratitude; competence
March & April 2026, Never Too Late | Page 9
Pima Council on Aging
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