Vol 5. Edition 6
News from CannaTown
Page 11
CannaTown News Cannatown University Recognized Nationally CannaTown University was recently noted in the Journal of Popular News to be a collegiate leader in several areas of study, including horticulture, accounting, and hip- hop. It is also the only school to oer a minor in Self-Actualization. “ ere’s just something about CTU,” said Dean Howard Belmont. “People here just do a few things exceptionally well. Students at Canna- Town have experiemen- tal and adventurous palates that make them good chefs. We train the country’s most sought- a er botanists. We pump out the top video game testers, as well as professional game play- ers. CTU students are o en hired immediately a er school for jobs that require extensive sleep- ing and staring.” e school’s strongest suite is Art. “Over 25 of our students currently have work showing at the new Museum of Very High Art. How many universities can say that?” Last year the school made headlines when the Pizzacology depart- ment announced a new type of deep-dish pie with deep-fried crust. Professor to Present Key Controversial Findings Professor Randy Picard is presenting a lecture at CannaTown University next Tues, to defend his reasoning that all verbs in the English language can be replaced by either “purchase” or “traverse.”
Doomsday Marchers Downtown Encourage Repentance, Bud Donation to Doomsday Marchers Downtown
A group has been demonstrat- ing in downtown CannaTown this week, ustering passersby with doomsday chants and speaking in tongues. Citizens are urged to avoid the group at all costs, and not to accept invitations to match bowls. ey will not be matched, authorities say. “ ese trouble-makers scream that the end is near, and to give them your bud,” said Earl Goodwin, Chief of Peace. “As far as we know, the end is not near.” “ e important thing is to not encourage by paying them attention, discussing the end, or giving them cannabis.” re- iterated Goodwin. “I just want to say that we always welcome bud donations at the Depart- ment of Peace, 125 Sinsemilla, Suite B. We’re always grilling out.” e nay-sayers, nick-named by local shop-owners as the “Bum-Me Seven,” has been staging the camp-in since last ursday, when they arrived in a broken-down van. Although they have enough money to x the van, they’re trying to col- lect enough bud to last through summer of 2017 in their native home of Portage, Wisconsin. e Dept of Cannassimila- tion will soon oer them amnesty, a shower, and job through the city’s successful Work-to-Chief program, if they choose to stay. Otherwise, Goodwin noted, there would
come a ne line between the Bill of Rights, and disturbing the piece. “ at huge glass bubbler in the town square is one of the greatest pieces ever constructed,” he said, tear- struck. “125 Sinsemilla, Suite B. We’re always grilling out.” he added. At the time of this report, civilians near the scene were somewhat, if not, not at all, rattled by the snores and groans coming from the “Bum-Me Seven,” who were strewn across their signs and picnic tables in sleeping bags. Authorities warned that the group makes it simple to donate bud, either in the huge onsite bucket, or, via swi mobile credit card transaction. “We promise to use the money solely on bud,” said ring-leader Harold Orlowski. “You have our word that it will not go towards birthday presents, groceries, rent, tuition, or anything of that nature.” Some in the neighborhood have still donated, warning or not. “I gave them my biggest nugget,” said a lovely little grandma named Maureen. “I thought about shushin’ em back, but heck, my stash will get me through the next decade!” Maureen agreed to consider further bud donation to the Department of Peace, and local CannaTown news corps.
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