Vol 5. Edition 6
News from CannaTown
Page 7
CANNASCOPES : Discover Your Fortune! Aries - By the power of Greyskull , you will have the chicken Chalupa and a Double Decker Supreme, with hot sauce and a ‘Dew. Taurus - Although they didn’t have any sheep le for $20, the coupon did say while supplies last . Gemini - It isn’t me, it’s you. You and your cats. Cancer - You felt pretty bad about all the kids going to the ER, but you’ve got to admit, the home smelting kit was kickass birthday present. Leo - e winner is in: the world voted to name that voice in your head “Voicy McVoice Face.” Virgo - You can tell alot about a person by the way they walk, or in your case, crawl through the mud with handfuls of moldy cheese.
Libra - In your medicated haze, you’ll choose to spite Sisyphus and try pushing the stone downhill instead. Scorpio - It’s been an epic, brutal war, but you can nally say you’ve beaten your life- long dependency on Schwepps. Sagittarius - Your Hummer limo would be much pimpier without the Uhaul trailer. Capricorn - e bugs will attack you in tenacious, unmerciful swarms, until you realize you just covered yourself with On! , not O ! Aquarius - Only an invisible key can open an invisible wall. But that is the least of your worries in the Chamber of Dreams. Pisces - You’d re the robot butler for bringing a joint without a light, if it wasn’t for the way he choked back sobs and dropped to his knees to beg last time.
What Came to Pass News in Brief
Fishy $300 Million check written to Todd In what is being investigated as a con ict of interest, hundreds of millions of dollars have been awarded to Todd, who has been contracted to x the electrical system in the Community Grow of West Lambsbread. Todd, who appeared severely unprepared for the daunting task, admitted he only two working ballasts at the time the check was written. Alex Padilla, head grower of West Lambsbread called foul, asking how such a huge responsibility had been assigned, especially given Todd’s “competitive rates” of over two thousand dollars per hour, in addition to daily per diems for Oreos and beef jerky. “No one else was allowed to bid,” Padilla remarked, “Todd was picked because he used to take piano lessons from the person now heading the Department of Fruitcakes.” Authorities were eager to resolve the issue quickly, with an estimated 70% of owering plants still without power even a er a month.
Resin binge ends with destroyed car, Pg B4
Stories in Today’s Other Sections
Humanity faces backlash for producing vari- ety of people ............................................... E6 Nugget smaller than a grain of rice sells for no dollars .................................................. F2 SteveCo announces Steve now comes pre- baked ....................................... ........ ...... G13 Orcas o cially join the XFL .................... H1
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