I spent many of my adult years feeling resentful for things that happened in the past. Things I saw as injustices, I was lost in my anger about those injustices and lost in anger about being angry. I felt resentment toward positivity. It was foreign to me and I felt fake to show any amount of it. I lived in a world of stories and spent years battling the feelings that came with them. I was held hostage and I used alcohol and anger to protect myself. It has been a long road, one that started a while before I attempted to get sober, but having alcohol out of my brain allows me to see things differently. I somehow came to an acceptance of these injustices and how things were, and an acceptance of my part in how my life shaped itself. It doesn't matter that I was fully unaware of my part or the role this anger played all these years. Somewhere along the road, I began accepting that things in my life were not perfect and that there were ramifications from that, but no one was really to blame. Recognizing that I made mistakes and that people in my life made mistakes was the first step. Addiction gave me the ability to become humble to see that as people, we are prone to make mistakes. It is part of being human. I'm not that resentment anymore. I'm past it and moving forward. For me, resentment became forgiveness.
B.H.
The Pink Cloud. I had no idea of what that was until I fell off of its fluffy softness and face-planted onto the ground about six months into my sober experience. I had been giddy with gratitude and joy in early sobriety as my body healed and my brain cleared. Life was bright and beautiful and I felt like I could literally fly!!! Then the waves of emotion that I had been numbing with alcohol came crashing over me. Hitting me hard. Knocking me down. Sometimes feeling like I might drown in those waves. Anger, sadness, impatience, doubt, loneliness… What the F***k was this? And how do I get back on my F****ing cloud??? It took a little while for me to accept that feeling the feels, not just the happy ones, is a part of living life and that ALL feelings will pass. I am relearning strategies to help me understand where all of these feelings and emotions are coming from. And feel much more peaceful these days. Yup. Face planting off the pink cloud caught me by surprise. But I have to admit that I am liking the Peace Cloud better. -Regina-
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