NEXT AVENUE - SPECIAL SECTION
Honoring the Wishes of Those Who Didn’t Want a Funeral By Marijke Vroomen Durning
Funerals, shivas, memorials and other rites that mark a death are a fact of life. They bring together people to remember the deceased, while providing support and a sense of community. But more and more, people are opting not to have a traditional service or rite, choosing something different or even nothing at all. Those left behind may have strong feelings about those wishes, especially if the instructions run counter to their own ideas and beliefs. “I think it's important to honor the person who has died and their wishes,” said Candi Cann, an associate professor of religion at Baylor University. “But I also think it's important to honor the needs of the person who is left behind, and sometimes those [wishes] don't always match up.”
“Everybody has different ways they want to remember the people they love.”
As Laurie was mourning her husband's death, some people weren't happy with the lack of a funeral. They couldn't understand her desire to honor her husband's wishes, telling Laurie directly and indirectly that she wasn't “doing it right.”
Laurie (a pseudonym) lost her husband unexpect- edly earlier this year. He didn't want a funeral. When he died, Laurie felt she needed to respect his wishes but admitted this left her feeling isolated as she mourned. Laurie said that had she done the traditional Jewish funeral and shiva, a period of seven days when people visit, bring food, and provide support, she may not have felt so alone. “Friends rallied around. I felt very supported that way,” she said. “A few friends have taken us out for a meal, saying if we're not going to do shiva, we still want to eat something together.”
She is planning to hold a memorial, perhaps in the fall.
If someone doesn't want to have a funeral or memorial, they should still take into account the feelings and grief of those left behind, Cann said. “If you really care for [your loved ones] and want them to be healthy and to feel loved, then I think it's important to figure out what they want and need in order to grieve you and to move through the grief,” she said.
Read more of this story on NextAvenue.org.
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