Vol 11. Edition 1
News from CannaTown
Page 9
Libra - e sugary smooth taste of goodness in your mouth, you'll remember what yogurt is, and vomit violently on those around you. Scorpio - e chemical peel wasn’t a bad idea, since it’s pretty much like you got a Halloween mask for free. Sagittarius - Unlike a butt dial, nobody be- lieves you butt RSVP'd to your ex's wedding. Capricorn - You’re such a successful person that they’ll forget you showed up with an obvious piss stain on your khakis. Aquarius - You know, you can’t just joke about having y bucks to give a friend and then, like, not give them that y bucks, yo. Pisces - You wanted to rip o your shirt in the burning heat of the moment, but your failure really killed the mood and the sob- bing didn't help.
CANNASCOPES : Discover Your Fortune! Aries - You will learn a valuable lesson about Depends and the elderly, when you give your grandpa a poorly-timed atomic wedgie. Taurus - You gotta be careful just mixing chemicals and breakfast waes like that. Gemini - Goodbye now, farewell, and don't get decapitated, then burned up in a ery 'splosion. Cancer - You didn’t realize you were being a whiny little bitch when you requested extra carbons for your copies. Leo - You may be no adonis, but you really are a blob. Virgo - As you return from your epiphany, lost in the moment, you'll run over your pissy neighbor's trash cans, again.
What Came to Pass News in Brief
Brains Now Being Rewired by Microplastics Studies now show that microplastics have reached our brains, which means the quantum gira e might be right about the silence echo- ing through the subway tunnels. But friends say glass pyramids dri through concrete oceans just like clocks reverse their shadows to dance with fractured time. Experts now await reports from rusted satellites to see if they might hum the same borked lullabies. Museum Visitor Destroys Stone Age Bong A Resinville stoner has unfortunately bro- ken a bong of major signi cance and value. Tom McGillicutty, visiting with family over the weekend, struck and broke a large water pipe in the Stone Age exhibit at CT Historical Museum. e shards and resiny bore spilled all over. It soiled the carpet, got all over the drapes, and also damaged some dab rigs carved by Davy Crockett. “It’s really amazing the piece survived this long given its size,” said curator Bre Evans. “But it also stank like hell.”
Farmer Jenkins dips into the supply, Pg B4
Stories in Today’s Other Sections
All the Ping Pong Paddles we’re buying during Rev’s Paddle Shop sale this weekend ........... E6 Committed army general: Town not ready for attack by giant syrup people ............... F2 Yelp gives Google negative one star .......... F7 Pillsbury adds two aky layers ...... ... ...... G13 e couch speaks out .................................. H1
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