Break the Ice on Estate Planning How to Start a Family Conversation About the Future
So, how do you start that potentially uncomfortable conversation? Begin by choosing the right moment. Ideally, you should talk in person, but don’t disrupt a holiday or special occasion with the topic. A phone call can work for faraway relatives who rarely meet in person, but chatting via text is unlikely to go well. You might begin the conversation by bringing up a recent news item, but it’s also okay to say, “I’ve been working on my estate plan, and I’d like to share some of the details with you.” Remember that your loved ones will likely be surprised and uncomfortable when you raise the topic. They might try to change the subject or deflect by stating you have a long life ahead. It’s a defense mechanism to avoid thinking about losing a loved one. Talk initially in broad strokes; the details of your trust and how you’ll minimize tax consequences are too much to start. Explain why you have created an estate plan, what you aim to accomplish, and why you think it’s important to discuss. Then, ask for their input or if they have any concerns they’d like to raise. If things get too emotional, take a break and return to the topic later. No estate planning conversation should be one-and-done. Your assets, wishes, and the makeup of your family may change over the years. Try normalizing talking about estate planning periodically; it will feel less daunting. These conversations usually feel uncomfortable initially, but they’ll eventually strengthen your relationships and help you and the people you love better understand each other. You owe it to your family to share your wishes, clarify your intentions, and prevent future heartache. Talking about your estate plan is an unconventional but necessary act of love.
Estate planning is a delicate subject. It stirs up feelings about our mortality, raises questions of fairness, and can open old family wounds. In large part, to avoid this discomfort, countless people choose not to make an estate plan. Even fewer decide to discuss the matter with their loved ones. Keeping quiet on the subject usually feels easier, but it’s a mistake with lasting consequences. While few people look forward to these conversations, having them before anything happens to you is best. When emotions run high, people can make poor decisions and say things they regret. In an outcome no one wants, families can fracture due to fights over estates after a loved one’s death. Further, you probably want to use your assets to benefit family members fairly after your death. But what you and your family members consider fair may be very different. For example, you may learn that one family member doesn’t want a particular asset or that a property means more to one child than another. Dividing your assets is ultimately up to you — but if your goal is to leave your loved ones better off, it’s worth listening to what they say.
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