Confessions of a payroll manager - I’ll be home for Christmas
Another anonymous episode revealing the world of payroll featuring payroll avatar, Penelope Fortham (‘Penny’), who is payroll manager at the nation’s favourite biscuit makers Crumbitt’s Confections. T he only thing comparable to the satisfaction of creating a cracking spreadsheet is the joy of list-making. If I were Father Christmas, making the ‘naughty’ and ‘nice’ lists would be the highlight of the job. So far, I’ve resisted the urge to create an ‘orange in a stocking’ or ‘a piece of coal and an eyeroll’ list of Crumbitt’s employees, so the closest I’ve got is the ‘Christmas payroll checklist’. It’s a bit like your typical Christmas card list – insofar as it’s remained fundamentally unchanged for the last ten years – but, as with most things, this year it’s needed an overhaul. I contrived a reason to divide the list into two (why have one?!). One for the processing side of the work and the other for the team comprised mainly ideas for reconnecting with them following the really tough few months we’ve all had to keep things running. Evaluating new initiatives for 2020 was high on the list and it was heartening to see the amount of staff who had taken advantage of the ‘Christmas savers club’ scheme (involving weekly deductions straight from payroll) and now had a ‘stress-free’ pot of money to use for Christmas shopping. I was slightly less convinced by the sudden uptake of staff wanting to get involved with the ‘cycle to work’ scheme this close to Christmas as a fair few had chosen bikes that were far too small, too glittery and, dare I say, childlike for an effective commute. To help boost the morale of my slightly
flagging team I set up a virtual secret- Santa draw for them with the idea that the parcels would be posted directly to their houses with the whole team opening them together at our virtual Christmas lunch. Stevie Stevenson made some grumbling noises at this as apparently his intended gift this year was ‘inappropriate’ for posting. (I guess this reveals who annually gifted the ‘stinky soft cheeses from around the world’ cheeseboard!) It has been strange running the Christmas payrolls without seeing all the usual faces dropping into the office and feeling the seasonal excitement building. With the Crumbitt’s Christmas Collections as well as the regular biscuit and confectionary orders, the factory runs at maximum capacity from October to December so the constant smell of cinnamon and nutmeg, coupled with the Christmas hits blaring out of from a multitude of radios across the site, reminded us that Christmas was nearly here. Without these, I’ve felt a bit flat. My one attempt at Christmas baking did not result in a seasonal sensation for the nose and instead left an unpleasant tang of burnt plastic in the air and a set of Christmas cookies that could be deployed more usefully as coasters. My sole Christmas CD has been played so often I know all the lyrics, key changes, time signatures, and guest musicians – and could recite the running order forwards, backwards and alphabetically. On the plus side, Mr Crumbitt (who has been pretty much housebound since March) has been doing some genuinely amazing baking and sending it out to the team for feedback. I don’t know what’s happened – well, let’s face it, his ‘experiments’ in the past have been
rather less than successful, and on one memorable occasion actually dangerous – but this Christmas he’s been churning out hit after hit! Current team favourite is the mince-pie garibaldi with brandy icing, although judging by the drop in team productivity post-garibaldi I think there’s rather more brandy than biscuit. The team had our virtual – oh, how I’m starting to despise that word – Christmas lunch yesterday and, while it wasn’t the same (well, how could it be?) we had a good crack at it and it was genuinely fun. Charades over Zoom, while challenging, were actually more fun than the usual format. What with broadband breaking up, people muting and unmuting themselves, postmen interrupting halfway through (and the influence of Mr Crumbitt’s brandy-iced garibaldis), it took seventeen minutes to guess Miracle on 34th Street . By the time we got it the entire team was bright red, laughter tears streaming down our faces and Evie conked out on her kitchen floor almost hyperventilating. It’s been a funny old year – the strangest ever – but we’ve got through it all so far; and, with this amazing team, I know we’ll continue to rise to whatever challenges come our way. Though things in the world may change I know that payroll will be a constant and there are some years, like this one, when we all need constancy in our lives. Happy Christmas all – and let’s hope for a healthier and happier 2021! n The Editor: Any resemblance to any payroll manager or professional alive or dead, or any payroll department or organisation whether apparently or actually portrayed in this article is simply fortuitous.
| Professional in Payroll, Pensions and Reward | December 2020 - January 2021 | Issue 66 50
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