Parenting with Courage: Brain Science
By Dr. Chrissy Chard, parenting coach and educator, and the founder of Courageous Parents
Welcome to the second installment of our four-article series on Parenting with Courage. Last month, we explored values- based parenting, and your homework was to spend time during the month clarifying your family’s values. Each month for the next three months, we will explore a different pillar of Courageous Parenting, along with actionable steps you can take to implement each one in your family life. The goal of courageous parenting? To find a values-based approach to parenting where you can access ease, joy, and self-trust by parenting with awareness and choice, rather than constantly being reactive. So, let’s get into this month’s pillar of Courageous Parenting. Now, brace yourselves because I’m about to share a parenting secret that can, if you allow it to, completely transform how you parent, and therefore how much peace you experience in your home. Ready? The first pillar is that ALL BEHAVIOR IS THE RESULT OF AN UNMET NEED. Understanding this truth will bring generosity, empathy, and a renewed feeling of connection to your family life. How do I know? Well, countless studies
have shown that when we delve beneath the surface of our children’s behavior and address their unmet needs, pure magic happens. Improved communication, stronger connection, reduced behavioral challenges and long-term feelings of worthiness and self-trust are just a few of the many benefits that result from the willingness to see underneath children’s behaviors to the unmet need. For an excellent resource on this topic, check out Dr. Mona Delahooke’s book, Beyond Behaviors: Using Brain Science and Compassion to Understand and Solve Children’s Behavioral Challenges. Now, just as I ask parents to do with their children, let’s dig a bit deeper. Our children’s behavior is like a secret language, an intricate code they use to express their needs. When they “act out,” throw tantrums, or withdraw, they’re speaking to us in their unique way (the best way their brains know how, given where they are in their development). Another way to think about this is that when children are born, they come wired to feel all the same feelings we experience, but none of the strategies to feel them in productive,
healthy ways. When we expect our children not to “act out,” we’re literally expecting them to do something they have not yet developed the capacity to regularly do. Our job as parents, after all, is to teach them the skills to effectively communicate their feelings and needs to us. But how will they learn? Through us compassionately getting curious about what the need might be underneath, and modeling this process ourselves. So what exactly are those needs? I like to think about needs as two levels: the basic and the advanced. The basic level needs are things like food, water, sleep, temperature regulation. So, you might ask, are they tired? Hungry? Thirsty? Too hot/cold? If you can check those off, then you go to the advanced-level needs, which include safety, variety, belonging, play and fun, connection, autonomy, growth, and contribution.
16 AUGUST 2023 | NOLAFAMILY.COM
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