I want to tell you about a client of mine named Shay, who was finding themself constantly battling their five-year old’s meltdowns and aggressive behaviors. They couldn’t help but feel lost and overwhelmed, and sometimes wondered if they were failing as a parent. But Shay’s journey took a remarkable turn when they embraced the concept that behavior is a form of communication. By deciphering their son’s need for autonomy and variety, they completely transformed their relationship. Shay came to realize that they’d been home the entire summer together, and their son had very little say in what they did. He was also feeling bored by the same day-to-day routine. Through understanding and compromise, power struggles gave way to cooperation and problem-solving, and meltdowns transformed into moments of growth and connection. Shay’s son was able to share that he wanted more variety, which included visiting new playgrounds, having picnic lunches, and seeing grandpa more often. Working together to add these things into their week profoundly shifted how they related to each other. Shay’s son not only stopped having such intense meltdowns, but he also became more helpful around the house, knowing that he had a voice, that his ideas mattered, and that
he was making important contributions to the family. As we wrap up this month’s installment of Parenting with Courage, I invite each of us to commit to decoding our children’s behaviors to see the need underneath. When your child’s behavior baffles you, take a moment to breathe, don your detective hat, and uncover the hidden messages of their tender hearts. Respond with compassion, love, and a genuine desire to meet those needs. As we do this, we help them understand that their feelings and needs matter, and that they’re worth figuring it out. Importantly, from this place of connection we can also guide them to find behaviors that are more productive in getting their needs met, all while modeling clear, compassionate communication. This simple (not easy!) shift in perspective will nurture a parenting journey filled with confidence, warmth, and connection. And finally, let’s remember that we are not alone on this path. Together, we create a web of love, laughter, and beautiful moments that our children will remember as they grow. If you’re in need of support to help make this pillar more sustainable, I’ve got you covered.
Safety: The need to feel secure and free from physical and emotional harm. Variety: The need for unique experiences, change, and access to new information. Belonging: The feeling of being seen, understood, and appreciated by others. Play/Fun: Opportunities for unstructured time to socially engage for its own sake. Connection: Feeling that we belong to a community and that we give and receive love. Autonomy: Having ownership over the choices and decisions we make. Growth: The desire to do better, to gain expertise in areas of life that matter to us. Contribution: Being of service to others and making the world a better place.
NOLAFAMILY.COM | AUGUST 2023 17
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