the families.
CM: How do you address family conflicts or differing views around death and dying when you come into someone’s family space?
KC: That is probably the hardest part about being an End of Life Doula: managing family conflict around death and dying. It’s so sensitive, and it brings up a lot of fear in people.
When we’re put into a corner, it’s fight-or-flight mode. People tend to get really reactive around someone dying. I talk to people individually about what’s really going on—what are they scared of? Expressing the fact that this is fear-based, whether it’s fear of losing somebody, fear of themselves dying, fear of what comes next, or fear of not spending this time together properly. A lot of family conflict can be reduced by having those individual conversations with an outside source. I come back into the mix and say, “Okay, I’m not going to tell anyone what the others said, but I can feel the tension here. Let’s all take a deep breath and go around the room. Let’s share something we’re grateful for, or maybe a favorite memory with this person while they’re still here.” What often happens is the person who is dying picks up on these emotions. That, to me, is not a “good” death, because they leave this world wondering what their family will be like when they pass. Even if the family tries to hide the conflict, people can pick up on things. The trickiest part is when families disagree about what should happen—whether it’s the dying person’s wishes or decisions by the healthcare providers. That’s probably the most challenging scenario.
But really, as a doula, you have to meet people where they are, not where you want them to be.
You have to say, “What are your three basic goals? Can we agree on a compromise?” Sometimes there’s not much you can fix, but sometimes you can reduce reactivity and come up with an actionable plan. And then, in terms of processing something traumatic in the moment, my biggest piece of advice is to give yourself grace. That’s the most important thing. You’re always going to feel like you’re not doing things right, or that you’re not feeling enough, or that you’re feeling too much. Everyone experiences grief differently—even from loss to loss. Every loss I’ve ever had has been a different type of grief for me. So just knowing that grief is unique to everyone, and that you’re not on a timeline or checklist, can be really helpful.
CM: I wonder if you ever see moments of beauty or connection during challenging times like this?
KC: There are going to be miraculous moments that you can’t explain—moments of pure love. 7
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