TALKING IT OVER with Dr. Clyde M. Narramore
Dr. Narramore, graduate of Columbia University, New York City, is a nationally known psychologist. He is the director of one of America's
ELDERLY MOTHER IN THE HOME
Q. Do you have any suggestions as to what I should do about my mother who has been living in our home for the last ten years? She is a real problem. I suppose you will say that two families can’t live under the same roof, but, Dr. Na/rramore, how can one kick out one’s mother, even if she does have money and cam. af ford to live somewhere else? I have bitten my tongue many times because of her meddling in my children’s af fairs. We have never been close to each other, although I have wanted to be. She nagged Dad all the years that he lived, and whenever she’d tell us to do a thing, we had to jump immediately. My husband has never asked her to contribute to our ex penses in all the years she has been with us. But that is not the problem. Any g ift we give her she never appre ciates. There’s always some bad re mark about it, and this is getting me down. I do not want her g ifts any more either, because when she gives me something, itfs always accompa nied with a complaint about how tired she is from shopping. I haven’t any “feeling” for my mother any more, and that is awful. I told my husband that I must be out of my mind, but he said, “No, Mother is going to have to show her love also.” He knows what I have been through, and knows what a selfish woman she is. My children almost hate her be cause she tries to get them into all kinds o f troublé by telling stories about them and ca r r y in g tales. When I punish them, she seems to enjoy it, and sometimes I find my self punishing them just to please her. I wonder how many parents and grandparents are living with their children and do not realize how diffi cult their presence in the home may be because of their thoughtlessness and inconsideration. A. This problem is shared by many others. Parents can be a great bless ing to a marriage, or they can be a heart-breaking problem.
largest psychological clinics— The Christian Counseling center in Pasadena, California.
I think you have answered some of your own questions. You say that you cannot “kick” your parents out, and of course this is true. We should honor and revere our parents. But the Bible does not say that parents should live in the same home with their children and their grandchil dren. It does say we should care for them, but not especially in the same house. God has given laws for this life and one o f them is that when we get married we should leave and cleave. The Bible says, “ For this cause (that is for marriage) shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife . ..*’ (Ephesians 5:31). If you disregard this law, you will suffer the conse quences of it. God knew what He was doing when He told us in His Word to leave our parents and to cleave to each other. This is not a simple problem . . . it is very complex. There are several principles here which you need to follow. First, you should recognize the fact that your mother is a dear person who needs your care. Secondly, that she need not live in your house to have your love and care. If you’re going to obey God, then you should have a talk with her and explain it to her, telling her that you love her, but you feel that it’s best if you live sep arately. Then arrange for another place for her to live. It might be a little place nearby—but at least pro vide for her away from your own home. You may feel it would be too difficult just to walk up to her and tell her that she can’t live with you any longer. Perhaps your pastor and your husband, or just you and your husband, might talk with her about these things. Have you ever considered the pos sibility that you might have a prob lem yourself, that you are probably dependent upon her? You say she’s
very aggressive and dominating. She has dominated you all your life and the grandchildren, too. Undoubtedly she has a great deal of unresolved hostility carried over from her early childhood. The result is, she’s happy when you are punishing your chil dren. You should not be willing to punish your children to please her, and the fact that you do points to the fact that she still dominates you. God has given your family to you, and you are to train them and give them the best background you can. It is not right to subject your chil dren to problems which are created by their grandmother, because your children may grow up with severe problems also. You raised the question, “ Do par ents and grandparents across the country know what problems they are causing when they try to live in the same house with their married sons and daughters?” I don’t think they know it or they wouldn’t be doing it. However, there are cases where a parent living in the home of a son or daughter can be a great blessing — a real benediction upon the household. I was talking with a man the other night who said, “My mother-in-law lived with us and she was one of the finest women I’ve ever known. She never told us what to do. She knew her relationship to the family, and it was a very good one. But I can see clearly that not all mother-in-laws are that way.” Your case is not an isolated one, because we receive letters from peo ple every day saying, “ I love my mother, but she’s ruining our home.” So it means a choice must be made in such cases as to whether to hurt the parent, or to continue to allow them to hurt the marriage. You can honor them and love them and yet be firm about the necessity of living in sep arate households.
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THE KING'S BUSINESS
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