Coming to Terms Kayleb Parks
“Is this just real life? Is this just fantasy? Caught in a landslide, no escape from reality.” —Freddie Mercury’s “Bohemian Rhapsody”
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It’s 6:45 a.m. I jump out of bed and head to my bathroom, getting ready for the day ahead. I wash my face, brush my teeth, fix my hair, and get dressed. Then, I head downstairs to get breakfast and feed the dogs. Once I finish my morning routine, I grab my bookbag and head out the door for school. I get into my mom’s sick Jeep Wrangler and drive to school. When I arrive at Towson High School, I feel like running in the building, for in a couple days, I will be a junior. After everything that has happened, this moment feels extra special. I feel like a new person as I enter school. A person, not an eating disorder. __________ __________ __________ Even though I am excited for school to come to an end, there is a feeling of longing within me. A longing for relationships that I am too scared to be a part of. As I enter the building, I go to my classes for the last couple times to say farewell. I talk to people who have started to feel like friends, knowing I may not get to see them again. When I walk down to chemistry, I see Isaiah sitting at the back table. He is doing one of those finger knitting things that I have no idea how to do. When he asks how he does it, he shows me but also tells me that You can watch a super easy video on YouTube . I nod, but in my mind I know that if I try this, that the result will be a screwed up ball of yarn. By the time we finish talking, the bell rings, making me flinch. No matter how much I hear this bell, I can’t get over the loud amber alert sound it projects through the building. After the bell rings, I leave for lunch. As I am sitting outside, I see him and try to catch his attention. I remind myself to stay calm. I say hello and we start talking about our history teacher, but we end up hysterical as he plays a video of the teacher yelling at the class. He later walks away, and it gives me a strange feeling. I never really “liked” people in a way like that and it mak es me get lost in a swarm of thoughts. __________ __________ __________ When I walk home from school, I watch people and cars pass by me, sweating as the heat beams on me, carrying an overly heavy backpack. My mind returns back into a normal state until I walk into my room. I see my poster of Freddie Mercury hanging on my darkly colored wall. This makes me think back to my previous thoughts of Isaiah and my struggle with the concept of a romantic relationship due to my insecurities. I go to a place of self-destructive thoughts and actions at times, so I immediately shut down the idea of ever having a romantic relationship because I feel as though no one would want to date someone like me. My body can’t offer anything to anybody, leading up to me
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