1: Starting Well: Surviving Spiritually on the Inside
lock-up. Nobody presumes that you might be innocent. You’re now seen as the guilty inmate, period. The system is no longer reaching out to help you in the same way. Here you are being “processed,” feeling totally out of control. And not just feeling it, either. You don’t have any control. You didn’t let go of control voluntarily. It’s been stripped away. Lights out, inmate. One way or another, you’ve had to become out- wardly submissive to survive. Here you are, filled with a sense of hopelessness, doubt, and uncertain- ty. You may be depressed and wondering why God didn’t protect you. In fact, you may even have had a new-found relationship with God in county jail. But now here you are—convicted—and you feel let down. “God, you said that you forgave me. Now why this?!” Here you are with different cellies. Some of them have the baby-bird syndrome, whining incessantly about the small stuff. Some of them won’t do well because they keep justifying their way into the next wrong decision. Some of them are vulnerable. Some of them are predators. Some of them are truly innocent, caught up in the wrong place and with the wrong people. Some of them are guilty as charged. Some of them are finally ready for some serious change. Who are these people? And just as importantly, who are you to them? Here you are, and if you’re smart, you’re keeping quiet and listening. And watching. Watching for counterfeits. Watching for people who aren’t what they appear to be. Here you are, carrying yourself outwardly like you’re tough, but at some level you’re probably feeling a certain amount of fear. A smart man knows when to feel fear. Fear of physical harm, for sure—things can happen in here any day for trivial reasons. Or fear about what you might have to do to prove yourself. Fear about what the gang might ex- pect you to do for them in here. Am I expected to have to stab somebody?
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STARTING WELL Surviving Spiritually on the Inside
So here you are …
You’re behind bars, which means that you’re probably going through some perfectly normal emotions right now—anger, fear, remorse, de- pression, confusion, resentment, self-loathing, anxiety, defiance, shame, loneliness, feeling empty on the inside, blaming, self-absorbed, feeling wronged, still preoccupied with your case. And probably some others that we can’t think of right now. You might be feeling ashamed, either at what you’ve actually done or
because you know that most everyone thinks that you did it. You’re probably feeling some anger. Thirty percent of that anger and resentment is probably directed at other people or God, while the rest is probably aimed directly at yourself. Here you are in the state prison system. This is a different beast than the county
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