Spiritual Survival Guide
5: Complicated Stuff
But it’s not only physical strength we’re testing in each other. We’re also sizing each other up to see strength of character, to see who’s trustworthy. We wonder, “Can I trust this guy with my stuff?” Our starting point is a skeptical one. We think, “I’m not gonna listen to what you’re saying. I’m gonna watch your footsteps and see what you do over time. Then, and only then, am I gonna listen.” What makes you a man? Chances are, if you ask ten guys this question you’ll get ten different answers. Popular cultural wisdom, for example, celebrates and promotes the myth of the “successful man.” Whether you measure success by wealth or possessions or career or status, it’s all about “more.” In this way of thinking, being a man means keeping score, beating the opposition, and racking up victory after victory. Being a man means being “a winner.” This is the myth that the true meaning and measure of a man is how well he charts on “lifestyles of the rich and famous.” What popular cultural wisdom doesn’t tell us is that this endless and single-minded pursuit of success just leaves most guys empty. The fruits of their success lose their flavor, or they never brought the level of satis- faction that they expected. That’s why so many guys who are considered successes shift the focus of their lives away from success and towards something more significant. They want their lives to matter, to make a difference. Many of us, of course, never bought into the myth of the “successful man.” We never thought we had much of a chance of that, or we thought the game was rigged. Instead, we bought into an alternate myth about ourselves, the one that the streets teach us. We grew up thinking that men are supposed to be strong, to demand respect, and to have their way with women. We call this a myth because all you have to do is look around: How well is that working for you and all the guys around you?
You know the drill. You listen to the conversation on the deck or in the yard, talking about how tough we were, how we didn’t take crap from anyone, how we left a string of children behind us. We do this in order to display our strength, our honor, and our sexual ability—signs of being a real man. But the truth is, when you strip away the b.s., all it proves is that most of us never grew up at all. The reality is, we have behaved like confused, hurt, aimless, foolish, impatient, undisciplined, addicted, lonely, unhappy, and irresponsible children. Lots of us have gotten older, but not really wiser. We still haven’t matured. And that’s because the streets will never produce a real man. Think about it: You wouldn’t plant a young tree in a pile of rocks and glass and expect it to grow up into a healthy tree. You’d just end up with something stunted and twisted. Why in the world would we plant a boy on a street corner and expect him to grow up into a healthy man? The streets tell us to be strong, respected, sexual men. But what they create are guys who are brutal, ego-centric and irresponsible. That’s being a man? What we men need is a revolution in the definition of manhood. What we need is a serious alternative to the pop-culture myth of the success- ful man or the street myth of the strong man. The biblical vision of being a man doesn’t get caught up in either myth. Jesus didn’t call men to follow him so that we could make a pile of money or be the tough- est guy on the block. Jesus didn’t call men to follow him so that they could mess up anybody who disrespected them. Jesus knew that men who follow him already have their own inner sense of self-respect that comes from knowing that God loves them and that God wants to do something important through them. Jesus calls men to a different way to be a man—to live a fruitful life. Jesus was talking about the qualities of our character. St. Paul puts it this way, “The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, generosity, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control” (Galatians 5:22-23).
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