Spiritual Survival Guide
7: Surviving Spiritually Beyond Prison
importantly, in prison I’d prayed, read the Bible, and was involved in a 12 Step program. I really believed that going home would be like going to Disneyland. No more crazy inmates, guards, staff. No more “celly problems.” No more waiting for money in the mail or commissary. I was going to actually be free! In my deepest heart, I believed that my transition would be filled with stress- free laughter and goodwill from the world. Nothing could have been further from the truth. Prayer definitely helped during this time. So did talking with fel- low believers—people I could trust. They advised that I continue to pray, read the Bible and find others to help, even if helping meant nothing more than a short, kind word or deed. On the way home I got car sick. I hadn’t been in a car for years and the motion made me ill. As soon as I arrived at my parents’ house I was filled with a sense of guilt and shame. I didn’t know exactly what to do next. All of the bright colors of everyday life in the real world sort of scared me. Right away I felt like I didn’t fit. Some good friends came by—friends who are sober and walk- ing a spiritual path. I knew they’d understand just what I was going through. They didn’t. How could they—they’d never been to prison for years like I just had. They were a bit confused as to why I seemed so uptight. I tried to explain but was not sure my- self. I mean, “Wow, I’m actually home. So why do I feel so weird and afraid?” I was honest with everyone. I told my friends and family that be- ing home was like being in some alien landscape. That I didn’t know what to do with my hands. After a few days I began to notice people sort of losing interest in the novelty of Dan being
home. I wanted to call everyone and say, “Hey, don’t lose inter- est. I’m home now and want to be part of life!” People just got on with their lives, and I felt alone and afraid. I literally didn’t know what I should be doing every day. I had a basic understanding that I needed to continue my sobri- ety through spiritual channels. To me that meant daily prayer, Bible reading, AA, and basic “golden rule” living. I did some of that, but to be honest I did a lot more worrying about what peo- ple thought about me and where I was going to find a job. My relationship with God quickly went on the back burner. I kept saying to myself, “Look what you’ve done with your life! How will you ever repair it? How will you ever get a job? And what’s up with my girl? She seems to be acting weird.” It was like at every turn, I felt more and more out of place. Even those old friends seemed unsure about what to say to me. It felt like the world had a secret it wouldn’t let me in on. I began to unravel. We all want to feel connected with God and people. There’s nothing worse than feeling alone. After a few weeks home I felt more alone than when I was in prison. My friends in recovery were busy with family, work and school. At church I felt little in common with these good people. I know the pastor says they don’t judge, but who doesn’t judge? Are there people who really don’t judge? So down I went. In hindsight I missed the turn when I began to care more about what people thought about me than what I was actually doing in my life. My focus became about what I thought others were thinking about me—rather than just doing my very best to do the next right thing. My mind ran round and round, and I forgot
192
193
Made with FlippingBook - Share PDF online