Spiritual Survival Guide
3: Forgiveness
Love’s Toughest Work
But there’s another side to forgiveness—the wonderful, freeing side. Because forgiveness is simply love in action. Because nothing feels better than forgiveness. There’s nothing quite like feeling the weight of our guilt slip away. Nothing is more joyful than a fresh start with someone.
Real forgiveness comes into play when we’ve been hurt—personally, unfairly, and deeply. Real forgiveness is tough because, first of all, it’s unfair . It’s tough because it’s personal . Here’s what we’ve discovered about ourselves: we can think and say all kinds of things about for- giveness, but when it comes to actually forgiving the people who have personally hurt us—cheated us, wronged us, abandoned us, injured us—our instinct is either (a) to strike back, or (b) to stand at a distance with clenched teeth and crossed arms until the person who wronged us has paid for what they did. Every last bit. They owe me! Love wants to do its tough work: forgiveness. But forgiveness is tough because we still feel hate. It’s tough because we still hurt. It’s tough because when we look at (or think about) the person who did us wrong, we don’t see a person any more. We only see “the perpetrator.” It’s tough because our thoughts and our emotions are locked in the past, in a painful moment of time. Forgiveness is tough because it blesses and comforts the person who needs our forgiveness, and every instinct tells us not to open our hands in blessing, not to open our mouths with words of comfort. Forgiveness is also risky . It’s risky because even with loving forgiveness there are no guarantees. The person we forgive may, or may not, accept our forgiveness. They may accept our forgiveness and then continue to cause us the same hurt. They may even interpret our forgiveness as permission to keep hurting us. We may ask others to forgive us and they may not be able to. No guarantees.
Before we dig deeper into the heart and art of forgiveness, let’s try to make things a little clearer by pointing out lots of things that forgiving is not. First, forgiving is not trivial . We’re not
called to forgive every little mistake, every annoyance or disturbance, every minor slight or disappointment that we’ve ever received. True forgiveness is for the serious, deep and unfair hurt that we receive. Second, forgiving is not excusing . In fact, excusing is the opposite of forgiving. If the person who hurt us was not to blame, if there were circumstances com- pletely beyond their control, then forgiving is unnecessary and inappropriate. Third, forgiving is not accepting. Forgiving is not overlooking and ignor- ing a little mistake by an otherwise wonderful person. Forgiving is deal- ing directly with the bad things they did to us. Fourth, forgiving is not the same as tolerating or minimizing the bad things people do. When we tell people, “That’s okay—no problem,” we’re not forgiving them. Forgiving involves holding someone accountable. Forgiving includes telling the truth that lying, betrayal, or brutality is unacceptable and intolerable, and that we will not be a doormat. Fifth, forgiving is not weakness. Lots of us struggle with this. It requires incredible courage to confront someone else and to tell the truth in love—and then to let go of the desire for payback. It takes no strength at all for us to nurse a grudge.
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