Spiritual Survival Guide
4: Shame
Think About It. Talk About It.
b. Attacking others: lashing out in anger, or shaming others to bring them down to my own level c. Hiding from others: isolating myself, covering up my shameful side and pretending d. Hiding from myself: repressing my shameful feelings; trying to distract my- self with busyness or entertainment; numbing myself with drugs or alcohol
1. What do you think about the idea that shame is different from guilt, and that the remedy for guilt is forgiveness and that the remedy for shame is accep- tance? Do you find the idea helpful?
2. Can you relate to the description of shame as a heavy feeling (and belief) of being fundamentally flawed, inadequate, inferior, incompetent, unwanted, unliked, or unacceptable? How real is that feeling in your life, right now? 3. Shame most often begins at home. Looking back on your childhood, how consistently and effectively did your parents let you know that you were loved unconditionally? Were your parents consistently there for you? Did they consistently show pride and joy in you? Did your childhood make you feel inferior or unwanted? 4. Have you struggled with feeling or being “disowned” by parents? For those of you who are parents, how well do you think you’re taking care of your children, showing pride in them, and taking joy in their existence? Do you think they feel shame? 5. The author Lewis Smedes lists people he calls “candidates for shame.” These include people who are perfectionistic, overly responsible, morally scrupulous, compulsive comparers, approval addicts, never feeling deserv- ing, condemned by bad memories, stuck in the shadow of a parent, or condemned by dreams. Do you recognize yourself in any of these descrip- tions? If so, how?
From Where I Sit: The Journey from Shame to Joy (Fred Nelson, Pastor)
Over the years, I’ve listened as AA members have come to me to do their fifth step and “admit the exact nature of their wrong.” Every single person who’s done that with me has had a story of dealing with a mountain of crippling unhealthy shame since child- hood. Every single one. There are all kinds of candidates for shame, and I’m one of them. We all have stories of where shame creeps into our lives. For me, shame came in childhood. It crept in through the door of growing up in an alcoholic family, and through the door of my own tendency to be a perfectionist. My dad was an alcoholic, probably depressed, certainly secretly ashamed. And like many alcoholics, my dad’s drinking led to all kinds of chaos and dysfunction for the rest of us. My sisters and brother all tried to cope with it, some by overeating, some by checking out, some by overachieving. I think my personality and ego led me to want to escape and overcome my family shame by being driven to be different and better.
6. Which of the following have you used to cope with your shame?
a. Attacking myself: beating up on myself; having a chronic feeling of disap- pointment, even disgust, with myself
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