The Christian Home By Rev. Paul Bayles Pastor, Centinela Bible Church Hawthorne, California T he ability of husbands and
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lurked in the corners of his mind, with shadows of fear and distrust. He became a problem drinker. She filed for divorce. As a result of counseling, they returned to their home, and they spent the remainder of the night talk ing out their problems. Lack of communication, also, re sults in frequent frustration. A couple came to my office for help. Both of them had been previously married and divorced. She had two children from the former marriage. Both part ners were employed in order to “get ahead,” but progress was doubtful. For years the wife kept hoping to quit working “ in two years.” Her children were growing up and she scarcely knew them. A fight about something developed every Friday evening. What was wrong? The hus band did not know how to communi cate his love verbally. Insead, he bought her expensive luxuries on credit. He was hurt when she failed to appreciate his gifts which to him were symbols of affection. She was utterly frustrated over the ever in creasing indebtedness that kept her working, instead of being in her home. Friday evenings would come with the usual quarrel, but there was no sense of progress. We set up a budget which included all of their credit contracts. With self discipline, they could look forward to her quit ting work in two years. As he learned to communicate with confidence and understanding, his need to buy “ big” things disappeared. To profit by communication, true feelings must be expressed and accept ed. Do we want our partners to tell us how they really feel, or to tell us just what we want to hear? If true feelings are ridiculed, when expressed, the scoffer has dealt a serious blow to the marriage. Understanding can only be accomplished in an atmos phere of honesty, permissiveness, and trust. Begin by talking it over to gether in prayer and gradually estab lish set times when you can be frank and open with each other. In Glendale BIOLA BOOKROOM "The Complete Christian Supply Center>} 121 W. Wilson - Glendale, Calif.
w i v e s t o t a l k things over is clin ically described as c o m m u n i c a - tion. This is a ver bal and demon s t r a t i v e way of developing a solid basis for under
standing in marriage. Some couples encounter difficulty in achieving communication. ¡They decide to talk it over, but patience is lacking, tempers are quick, and the result is a quarrel. Quarrels are natural. Unless two people are exactly alike, there are going to be differences of opinion. Who wants to live with a mirror? Much can be accomplished in these conflicts if the couple will agree to attack the problem instead of each other. A leading marriage expert offers the following rules: 1. Limit each quarrel to the original topic. 2. Limit yourself ■—- don’t say something for which you will be sorry later; such as wild threats and sense less name-calling. 3. Reach some deci sion. 4. Take immediate action on the decision. Couples who deny that they have quarrels are often persons to whom “making a good public appearance” is all important. Or else, one partner is completely dominating the marriage. Watch out! The one thus dominated will someday revolt — and maybe in an out-of-character fury. Poor marital communications will often foster suspicion, distrust, and a general tone of mystery. I counseled with one couple for several hours be fore we uncovered the basic difficulty. Prior to this marriage, the wife had had an “ affair.” The husband knew nothing of the past circumstances nor the present attitudes of his wife — al though they were celebrating their 16th wedding anniversary! Never, through the years, had they talked out their problems. Dark suspicions
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37
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