Vol 9. Edition 3
News from CannaTown
Page 7
CANNASCOPES : Discover Your Fortune! Aries - Building a research lab in your house was really cool, but hate to break it to you, they've already invented the thermos. Taurus - It's gettin' so crazy 'round here, they could really use a muscular, tough guy like not you. Gemini - e dizziness and butter ies in your stomach aren’t signs of revived libido, but rather, an undigestible chimichanga. Cancer - Your momwas thrilled to hear from you on Mother's Day until you let her know it was your one phone call and you needed bail. Leo - Can you believe it? Today’s Wordle is Shut the F up about F’ ing Wordle . Virgo - You may be living in a box, but at least you don't have to deal with that whole "trademark infringement" thing anymore.
Libra - You don't mind being the textbook de nition of "Lazy" because at least it means you've accomplished something . Scorpio - You'll realize, aer smooshing crud on your friend's face, that you really don't know how to talk to people anymore. Sagittarius - Your texts already sound stupid enough, but signing them with your name is a really nice touch. Capricorn - If you're trying to weird out everybody by loudly sucking your thumb, it's working like a charm. Aquarius - Fiji might not be the place for you. But it will be the place that you wake up. Pisces - Aer witnessing two people shit themselves mid-conversation, you can nally admit, marathons ain’t your sport.
What Came to Pass News in Brief
Book Ban Crushes Nearly 0% of Bookworms Approximately zero people were outraged last week when a ban was placed on Judy Plume’s Facts: e Book of Real ings , for its “relative- ly palatable” depiction of things that actually happened. e novel, available in a multitude of quick and simple delivery styles from digital to print, may see a dip in library use where restrictions apply. However, this is likely to go unnoticed by the general population, who have turned most libraries into free-range rodent sanctuaries behind locked doors. While controversial, polls show the new rules a ect almost 0% of readers, nearly zero of whom showed up for a recent protest. e ban is also seen as symbolic, given that nobody has read a physical book since the late aughts, andmost are merely used for decoration. Plume was irate over the whole ordeal. “It's almost as sad as the royalty checks,” she said. “But that’s why I work at Orange Julius now.”
Summer brings out fresh Fishing Scam, pE7
Stories in Today’s Other Sections
Woman’s stoned BF orders 140 jumbotrons from her iPhone......................................... E2 Will Smith announces hiatus from employ- ment......................................................... F6 Musk o ers $483.02 for Teen Vogue ...... G13 Net ix to cancel Net ix.......................... H1
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