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Dispatches from the Highlands
$4.20 Cents
Cannatown Lifestyle
Bay's BudCruise Runs Ashore 50 FathomsOut
Study concludes CT Poet Laureate used Magnetic Poetry for all renowned works A joint study by Snoxford University English and AI Studies departments suggests that most, if not all of Dankston Hughes' famous pieces were as- sembled by chance from boxes of Magnetic Po- etry. " e poems are a mish-mash of poetic con- cepts bearing no resem- blance to anything," says professor Reshma Gupta. "When we compare the randomly-constructed phrases with collections of Magnetic Poetry found at a nearby yard sale, al- gorithms suggested the writer's greatest works were directly transcribed from his fridge." Industry presents 12th Annual Burned-Out Aer- noon of Junk Food in SwelteringHeat Featuring Local Ga- rage Band Festival It's back, yet again! e local cannabis industry, which employs nearly half of Cannatown's residents, is throwing yet another festival in the sweltering heat this com- ing Sunday aernoon, featuring a local garage band, and a whole series of two competitions, in- cluding the "Most Mer- chandise Buyer" Award.
Passengers of the crashed Bud Bay Cruise loot goods and evacuate simultaneously.
Pandemonium seems to have struck on the east banks of Can- natown Bay. A party cruiseline ship, destined for a joy-ride around the harbor, crashed just moments a er departure in what witnesses described as “a B-line for the rocks.” Although there don’t appear to be any major injuries, it would appear most passengers are leaving the boat now, on their own accord, carrying what nuggetry and novelties they can carry. e Bay Bud Cruise cruise, which operates weekdays out of Cannatown Marina, prom- ises all-you-can-smake bud and dab service as you tour the city waterways. e boat is known for full bu ets of infused feasts including glazed ham and let mignon. Each passenger’s chair has a built-in hookah hose con- stantly owing with the Durban Poison and other great smake burned in the vessel’s main chambers. A cloud of think vel- vety vapor hangs everywhere;
simply to stand aboard, is to be blazed. It’s unclear, then, how the boat smashed into the shore just mo- ments a er departure. “ e captain was just yell- ing, shit, shit! And whirling the wheel all over the place. Nobody really knew who he was, maybe it was his rst day?” reported a crew member seen departing the ship. No one else dressed as captain or crew members have been spotted, although it’s likely they’ve nihilistically blended in with the others, who are cur- rently still looting the ship. e Bud Bay Cruise line is also infamous for its crashing into shore, which happens up to 5 times per week. At 50 fathoms, today’s crash is fairly successful, falling ahead of the bell curve in terms of distance from port. e shortest such crash came last year around this time, when it was accidentally launched in reverse, partially smashing the concrete wall behind it.
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