Confessions of a payroll manager – You will comply
Another episode in a series of occasional yet insightful / inciteful, anonymous and whimsical reports revealing the arcane, weird and sometimes torturous world of payroll frequented by payroll professionals. O h, how unsuspecting, how innocent and without a care in the world was I when I picked up the phone that Monday morning. Trying to sound like I wasn’t half-chewing a Crumbitt chewrifficly-chewy cookie, I was greeted by the monotone voice of a HMRC employee uttering the words “compliance department”. The cookie became ash in my mouth and I swallowed it down with a painful gulp as the words “we’d like to visit on 18th August” followed. I somehow managed to listen to the rest of the call, including noting down instructions of what needed to be prepared, then put the phone down with a trembling hand. Before I could approach the team, I had to get straight in my head what the visit meant and what needed to be done. But all I could think about was Mr Crumbitt’s golf buggy and if it really could be classed as a ‘company’ car. Thankfully, my professional head kicked in before panic could totally take over and I called the team together for a ‘survive and thrive’ meeting. As I divvied out tasks and watched the team take on the news with an unusual level of stoicism and pure Crumbitts ‘grit’ (and more than a little bit of shredding) I started to find my confidence again. Well, at least until Evie started hyperventilating about some missing files (which were subsequently discovered propping up Stevie’s wobbly legged desk). I remembered a conversation at the
CIPP conference a few years ago about the tax inspectors sitting in an office listening to every word and, mindful of the reality TV-based drivel that dominates a lot of office talk, I decided to give the inspectors their own room. I found a small meeting room which had housed some of Mr Crumbitt’s ‘experiments’ over the years (somewhat hopefully labelled ‘the miracle room’), cleaned out the remnants of some ill-advised biscuits – damp ‘Strawberries and Pimms Wimbledon specials’, anyone? – and set up a decent office space for them replete with pot pourri and a tea/ coffee set. The day of the visit arrived and we were all so nicely turned out we could have gone to a wedding without standing out. I had my best handbag – you know, the type you have just in case you bump into Gary Barlow or Tom Hiddleston – though what good it would do against the HMRC inspectors I hadn’t worked out. I think we were all shocked (but nicely surprised) when ‘the team’ was only two people – which is possibly the smallest team you can get. I put aside my prejudice – which was actually easier than I thought it would be as one of them admired my handbag and the other asked for ‘a good strong cuppa’ before they got started – and found myself enjoying chatting with them. Turned out that as well as carrying out the compliance visit they would also point out anything else that may potentially save Crumbitts some money. Just think of the adulation from the big boss for that. All went swimmingly until Mr Crumbitt arrived in his custom golf buggy and proceeded to describe all the ways in which it wasn’t a company car. Thankfully, the inspectors could see its merit as
an accessibility vehicle and swept my concerns aside. Phew. By 4.45p.m. the team’s nerves were as shredded as the mountain of ancient paperwork we’d got rid of the day before and I was called in to the meeting room for a ‘debrief’. As the words “There are some issues that will need to be addressed” echoed off the walls I started contemplating alternative careers. (I’d always been good at Operation , so maybe a career in general surgery?) However, as always, my fears were unfounded and the ‘issues’ were few. The golf buggy would need some company logos, and the purchasing of some Toblerones at the airport as supposed ‘gifts’ for some Chinese customers was highlighted, but, apart from these, it was a clean bill of health. I bought the whole team cakes and drinks to celebrate – an allowable ‘trivial benefit’ – and felt proud that, once again, the team had done a grand job. The lesson here is that sometimes we have ups and downs as in any job but ultimately payroll professionals do an awful lot of things right that we should be proud of. The next day I noticed Gary- from-marketing, carefully putting bright fluorescent yellow logos on Mr Crumbitt’s golf buggy in the car park. I’m sure HMRC would be pleased to know that the buggy will be very visible (and accessible) on the golf course when Mr Crumbitt conducts his ‘weekly sales meeting’ this Wednesday. The Editor: Any resemblance to any payroll manager or professional alive or dead, or any payroll department or organisation whether apparently or actually portrayed in this article is simply fortuitous.
| Professional in Payroll, Pensions and Reward | September 2017 | Issue 33 56
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