Confessions of a payroll manager - Plant-based payroll
Another anonymous episode revealing the world of payroll featuring payroll avatar, Penelope Fortham (‘Penny’), who is payroll manager at the nation’s favourite biscuit makers Crumbitt’s Confections. F or many months, there had been on my kitchen table (which is where I’ve set up my rather sub-standard home office), something resembling a nature-based police line-up of dead, dying and ‘about to start dying’ plants. From cacti (which are supposedly impossible to kill) to a limp peace lily, the macabre display was a clear illustration of my absolute incompetence with all things green and (previously) alive. I couldn’t tell you why I left them there for so long, in constant sight, but I suppose I thought it might act as some kind of warning not to trifle with any kind of gardening. However, the past eighteen months – while fiercely challenging – have also led to people trying things they’ve never tried before (for example, GB champion diver Tom Daley has become a crochet king) and there’s a definite sense of ‘what have I got to lose?’ about taking on new hobbies. So, with a devil-may-care attitude, which I simply didn’t have pre-pandemic, I swept the remnants of my house-plant massacre into the bin and turned my thoughts to… wait for it…an allotment! Yes, you read that right. A poster had come round on the ‘Allstaff’ weekly email a couple of weeks before, advertising allotments at the site at the back of the factory, and despite the ominous (pre-binning) presence of the ‘dead plant gallery’, I immediately thought what a perfect environment it would be for the team to come together, have a chat and grow their own. I felt we’d lost some of the ‘camaraderie’ that had been so strong pre-pandemic and I was anxious to do something to change that.
I ran the idea passed Mr Crumbitt, who not only loved the idea but immediately offered to buy some communal tools and seeds for us on the proviso that we supplied him with assorted fruit and veg for his ongoing biscuit experiments. (Chard and raspberry cookies anyone?) The team were just as enthusiastic, with Tony volunteering to make raised beds out of an old wardrobe, and Jace and Billie offering to start off the seedlings in their new greenhouse. We checked there was no mention of allotment equipment being a benefit in kind in the HMRC guidance and were happy to assume it would be a trivial benefit. The first day at the allotment was, honestly, one of the happiest I’ve spent in months. Being safely outdoors with the team (and Mr Crumbitt – who insisted on opening the massively overgrown plot with a ribbon cutting event) was a complete joy. All the team were there helping out, including children and even a couple of dogs. (Tom’s dachshund was surprisingly good at digging up tough weeds – just point at the offending plant, say ‘dig’ and offer a chunk of a Crumbitt Crinkle as a reward afterwards.) There were also some less than helpful ‘animal companions’ in the form of a couple of moles which Stevie spent most of the day hunting down like some kind of Yorkshire Crocodile Dundee. As we dug, weeded and drank copious amounts of tea (well, this is Yorkshire!) the conversation naturally flowed, as did the laughter. I realised that we hadn’t really spent proper ‘free-time’ together in months. Somehow every call on Teams ended up being only about work, and with payroll there wasn’t always time either to ask how people were or just have a catch up. This was our first opportunity in a long time to just be together, as friends and colleagues, sharing news, having a laugh and enjoying each other’s company. Tony, Jace and Billie took responsibility for
setting up the second-hand shed that Tom had sweet talked a neighbour out of tipping, and by the end of the afternoon it looked like a holiday cottage. We all took turns sitting in it with our muddy wellies and our aches and pains, feeling like proper Monty Dons. As we gathered around the huge pile of weeds and general allotment debris which stood like a sacrifice to the garden gods, the Deep Heat (other brands available) muscle ache cream was passed around like a plate of nibbles at a cocktail party. Despite this, everybody was smiling and happy to sign up for regular allotment duties so they could carry on planting and watch things grow. The rota planning of payroll was certainly a transferrable skill to watering and weeding duties scheduling. Who would have thought, considering my chequered past, that I would actually find myself enjoying digging over, sowing, weeding etc. It’s the team who makes the difference. Working on something together is what we do best – and I’m confident that my plant killing days are over (well, at least on the allotment). I’d been worried that the team had lost some of its connection over the past eighteen months but sometimes, rather than try and force it, perhaps the best way is to create an environment where it can just happen, naturally. In payroll we can often be governed by the deadlines but it’s the social side of working life – chatting about Love Island , the new Little Mix song or the Formula 1 race – that keeps us alert, motivated and connected. Let’s hope the allotment grows and thrives – and the team, too. o The Editor: Any resemblance to any payroll manager or professional alive or dead, or any payroll department or organisation whether apparently or actually portrayed in this article is simply fortuitous.
| Professional in Payroll, Pensions and Reward | July / August 2021 | Issue 72 48
Made with FlippingBook - Online magazine maker