We might, in the light o f this philosophy, see what are the tests for a true marriage to be under taken. The first test is the mutual attraction of human love—the natural side o f marriage. This attraction includes physical, intellectual, and social factors. Emotional factors are likely to be more prominent in the early stages, while social and intellectual rapport deepens with time. No marriage is com plete without real human love, but no marriage long remains complete which is based only on sex ual attraction. In days like ours, when the ties of marriage are so lightly broken, there is more dan ger that physical and emotional factors be consid ered the only ones that matter, and if these decline, to look upon the marriage as a failure. The second test is the bond of common inter ests. Of course, differing interests enrich a mar riage if there is a basic unity and loyalty, but some common concern is essential. Children may provide it, but sometimes children suffer the consequences of their parents not having found it. One of the wisest words on marriage I know comes from Dr. William E. Hocking of Harvard: “The only being you can love is the being who has an independent object of worship, and who holds you out o f your self-indulgence to a worship of that same object.” So far as I can see, there is only one “object of worship” with an equal claim upon all people, and that is God. The basic factor in loyalty to each other is loyalty to God. The one Power that can cement a relationship, giving it one common purpose, and changing differences to enrichments instead of barriers, is God. Every human relation, but especially marriage, should be, not like two dots at the end o f a line, but like two angles at the base of a triangle, with God as the apex. The third test then becomes the readiness of each person to take spiritual responsibility for the other person. This implies a maturity that can come only from a real experience of God in one’s own life. It requires an objectivity that is not influ enced by emotional factors, nor those o f self-inter est, but sees the other person clearly, lovingly, and creatively. In this sense, no one is fit for marriage who is not fully adult; and no one is fully adult who is not spiritually aware. That is why so many marriages fail today—the partners are so immature, so selfish, so unschooled in real living that they cannot take spiritual re sponsibility for each other or for their children. That is why the proportion o f marriages that suc ceed between definitely religious people is vastly higher than between people who care nothing for God. God in your life means maturity. Maturity is the basis for responsibility. Willingness and the capacity to take spiritual responsibility for the other person are parts of the test of a thoroughly happy and unselfish marriage.
The fourth test of whether a marriage is in tended between two people lies in whether it makes them love other people more, or love them less. Show me a love that is today so selfish it wants to feed only on itself, and share none of its happiness with others, and I will show you a marriage that will be tomorrow so selfish it will sicken o f its own satiety. A really great human love does not drain off all one’s affections in one direction: it increases and enhances one’s love for all. Every man and wife should be “father” and “mother” to many besides their own children, and every home should be the joy o f many besides those who live in it. This kind of unselfishness' should be in a relationship from the beginning; and if it is not there, it should be sought as essential to a true, lasting, happy, and creative marriage. How, then, can we create Christian homes? First, they must have God at the head of them. Not father or mother—important as their respon sibility is; not some yammering youngster; not somebody’s temper, or somebody’s tears. But God the Head, the deciding factor. They must be homes where God is talked about, loved, and His will sought by all. Human nature being what it is, there are bound to be clashes o f temperament and differ ences of opinion. We do not want homes where there is so much law that there is no freedom. Neither do .we want homes where there is so much freedom that there is no law. There is but one final law and it is the law of God. Parents are subject to this as well as children. Parents get away from it as well as children do, and must be willing to admit it to each other and to their children. When an issue arises, instead of hot tempers and shrill voices, let us get onto our knees and ask God what He wants. We need steady provision for our personal prayers, and then at some time in the day for family prayers, as well. Husbands and wives should begin their married life with daily prayers together. Second, we need homes that are characterized by homely virtues. Thrift needs to come into many homes: not niggardliness, but economy which will make more generosity possible, using all of every thing. Hospitality must be there: open hearts and open doors; not a selfish retiring into our own pri vacy all the time, but a sharing o f food and friend ship with others. Responsibility is needed: everyone with some home duties which he fulfills, which gets the work done and makes all feel needed and useful. Hon esty is essential: honesty about money, and about deeper feelings. Consideration we must have: re membering that everyone’s plan and interests are important to him, and helping him to fulfill them unselfishly. Self-giving there must be: paying attention to others, taking an interest in what interests them,
11
JUNE, 1969
Made with FlippingBook - Online magazine maker