MYTHBUSTING YOUR FIRST TIME…
meaning for some of us, but others don’t see it as a milestone. We should remember that penetrative sex is not always the most intimate or pleasurable activity we can share with a partner. This is especially true in queer relationships, as penis-in-vagina sex may not be part of our sexual expression. As a result, the concept of virginity may not resonate with us. Some people never engage in PIV sex, but this does not mean they do not have beautiful and exciting sex lives or that they consider themselves a “virgin.” Only we can say when our sexual journey truly begins. WHO NEEDS SEX ED? Well, everyone! We all have a right to informed consent, and education is the only way to achieve that. Whether you’ve been sexually active for quite a while or don’t intend on it any time soon, it’s vital that you have access to the information you need to prioritise your sexual and mental health. Knowledge is power, and I firmly believe an intimate life that reflects our values and focuses on authentic desire is incredibly empowering. As an educator, I’m asked if someone should attend sex ed classes even if they’re asexual or planning to abstain from sex until marriage. My answer is always an emphatic yes. The goal of sex education isn’t to convince more people to have sex; in fact, I actively discourage engaging in sex that doesn’t feel right for. Having some education (and a condom) in your back pocket will do you no harm. Whether you’d like to put it into action or not is always your choice. TACKLING SEX SUPERSTITIONS 1.YOUR FIRST TIME IS RISK-FREE Some people are under the impression that they can’t contract an STI or
become pregnant the first time they have sex. While it’d be wonderful to get a free pass from these concerns the first time around, I can unfortunately tell you that this is a myth. It’s important to remember that only barrier contraceptives (e.g. condoms & dental dams) protect against STIs. If you can become pregnant, consider all your wider contraception options too. If you’re aged 17-35, you can avail of the free contraception scheme. There are many options to choose from including: the pill, patch, implant, and IUDs. You can discuss the best choice for you with your GP or local sexual health clinic. 2. EVERYONE IS DOING IT, BUT YOU One misconception I see among students is that everyone ‘should’ be sexually active by the time they reach college. In 2015, The Irish Times surveyed 12,000 Irish people and found that the average age for first sexual experiences was 19. So, we can consider this myth busted. Everyone’s journey of intimate exploration is different. That variety of experience is one of the best things about this part of life. 3. IT’S GOING TO HURT THE FIRST TIME Unfortunately, you might believe that your first time receiving penetration should be painful. So, here is your reminder that whether it’s your 1st or 101st time having penetrative sex, it should be pain-free. Starting slow can really help here. You might like to try exploring with fingers or a small toy and gradually working up to a penis or larger toy. Only go as quickly as feels safe and comfortable. Lube is another fantastic tool to have on hand. It reduces friction, the risk of injury, and enhances sensation.
BUILDING YOUR FUCK-IT LIST
No two people will have the same preferences around sex. Therefore, it’s helpful to ask ourselves what we need from a potential partner to be comfortable and have an enjoyable experience. Allow me to help you build your very own sex checklist- A list of qualities and circumstances that’ll make your sexual adventures as fulfilling as possible. JUST A FEW QUESTIONS TO KEEP IN MIND: Is being in a committed monogamous relationship important to me? Do I enjoy sexual encounters without commitment? What activities are on and off the table for me? Do I have a backup plan if contraception fails? MY MUST HAVES TO GET YOU STARTED:
By Aoife Murray (she/her)
LET’S TALK ABOUT SEX BABY What is sex? It’s a question I pose at the start of workshops, and I’m often met with confusion. Perhaps they worry my parents skipped a very important conversation with me. But mostly, it’s because it’s tricky to define what sex is without leaving someone out of the conversation. It’s essential to be inclusive in defining sex because of how vastly diverse human sexuality is. If this was a biology textbook, I’d tell you that sexual reproduction involves inserting a penis into a vagina. If this was a ladybird book, I might say that it’s something magical that happens when a Mammy and Daddy are in love and hug in a special way. However, not everyone wants to have sex that involves a penis and a vagina. Sexual relationships between people of any gender or anatomy are valid. Not everyone wants to have sex purely to conceive or as an expression of romantic love either. If they do, that’s wonderful, but so are many other intimate relationships. Specific sex acts might be off-limits for us because of personal choice or perhaps disability, but that doesn’t mean we can’t have steamy sex lives if we want to. Hand sex, oral sex, penetration, toy use, mutual masturbation, sexting, group sex and many more wonderfully pleasurable acts are acceptable forms of sexual expression. Once informed consent is present among all parties, the sky’s the limit!
THE MYTH OF VIRGINITY Given that the term virginity, and
particularly the idea of giving it away, are contested, I think it’s kind of poetic that we’ll start this conversation with ancient myth. Greek and Roman mythology holds many virgin Goddesses. While the word virgin comes from the Latin term for “maiden”, these Goddesses were no shrinking violets. In fact, their immunity to the charms of romance and lust wasn’t about naivety. It gave them a source of power that many others in the pantheon lacked. However, this powerful connotation has changed dramatically over time. In Ireland, our long history with Catholicism means that we’re no stranger to the image of a pure and virginal Holy Mary (and no, that isn’t a drag name). Since the Middle Ages, reverence towards the Virgin Mary has been a significant area of Catholic worship. She’s a grieving mother and an ever-chaste lady in one. However, the emphasis on the value of a woman’s virtue is by no means limited to Christianity. It’s no wonder that in modern conversations, we still associate the concept with women or focus heavily on the idea of penetrating or being penetrated by a partner. Virginity is seen as a state of being and a commodity simultaneously. “Losing it” is thought to signal the beginning of someone’s sexual journey. However, not everyone chooses to mark their sexual debut in the same way. It holds great
I’m Aoife Murray, a relationship and sex educator, and I’m here for your crash course in virginity. My goal is to help clients make risk-aware choices and build fulfilling intimate lives, however that looks for them. If you’re a student, you might have seen me hosting student union workshops. I’m a regular fixture at sexual health weeks throughout Ireland. I also work with clients 1-1 for more in- depth coaching. I cover everything from consent and communication to sex toys and kink. My background in the BDSM community inspired my journey to become a sex educator and enables me to navigate taboo issues. We’ll be putting those skills to use today as we answer some probing sex questions from a queer and ability-inclusive point of view. I’m a quoted intimacy expert by IrelandAM, The Irish Independent, Glamour, and France 24. So, you’re in safe hands as we pop your sex ed cherry. I promise it won’t hurt a bit! I’m thrilled to write a piece for Cork Pride Magazine again this year. Cork Pride does invaluable work for Ireland’s LGBT+ community, and I’m delighted to contribute in a small way.
- I know their STI status - I have a safer sex plan
- I feel respected - I’m risk informed - They don’t wear socks with sandals - They make me laugh Thanks for taking this ride with me (pun very much intended), and hopefully, your first time will be less bumpy as a result. If you’d like to see more of my work, you can find me on Instagram @aoife.murray.life or my website thekinkmother.com.
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