T o t h e question, “What is the re lationship between sex attraction and love?” , the counselor receives many conflicting views from couples married or about to be. A certain de gree of insight can be gained from the answers when interpreted in the con text of a total counselling situation. The rigid moralist will often feel that sex is a physical need only, with no higher implications involved. The unreal romanticist may feel that love always plays a part-in sex attraction. The idealist supposes that sex attrac tion ceases when love is lost and the self anxious, fantasy-ridden individ ual can imagine sex attraction to be more important than love. Sex and its attractions are a normal part of love. God gave the gift of the marriage relationship as a means of expressing love that is already present. The sex relationship does not “make love,” but theoretically expresses love already in existence. It is a symbol to God of the unity of marriage in every dimension of life. Terms must be defined. The unreal, temporary and frequent infatuations so prevalent in the American society are not our definition of the word “ love” -—rather the mature, unselfish, and sacrificial bond between husband and wife that contains high ideals, but which is basically realistic. The sacrificial bond referred to is that which comes from an understanding of the beloved’s needs and a willing ness to fulfill them, in preference to one’s own wishes. The marriage relationship is so holy and sacred to God, that the viola tion of it seems to be the only Biblical toleration for divorce, although not recommended. Our courts freely grant divorces on the ambiguous grounds of “mental cruely” and “ incompati bility.” These terms are often used to describe sexual unhappiness and dis harmony. Divorce and remarriage seem to be the answer of the world. Actually, re-marriage carries the same problems of immaturity and sin into new situations hurting more and more persons. In reality, sex is seldom a problem all its own in marriage. If a couple is experiencing religious conflict in the home, extreme disagreement concern ing finances, in-laws, or methods of child raising, the sex relationship,
which demands great consideration and understanding, will naturally be strained and dissatisfying. A counselor can often find even more basic reasons for sexual dishar mony among Christian couples. In terviews and tests will frequently re veal personality traits that affect the total life, at home and away from home. It is necessary to determine what sex means to the individuals concerned. To the man who feels inferior, per secuted, thwarted, and generally put upon, sex can be a symbol of ruth less power. He may be a weakling to the world, unnoticed and unsought, but at home he can dominate wife and children. The need to prove that he is strong, may motivate him in the marriage bed. To some women the marriage rela tionship is a symbol of atonement for imagined or real guilt. Or, to others, a method of gaining control of the marriage, to compensate for feminine weakness. These and other neurotic trends defeat the principles of unselfish giv ing, understanding, and sharing, that make up the relationship and thereby rob the act of love and virtue. Usually, the difficulty can be seen in the pat terns of the total life. Sex is just a part of the total personality. General attitudes of selfishness, self-centered ness, suspicion, and anxiety will sure ly wreck the sex act also. The keys to success in marriage are the following: understanding, trust, patience, gentleness, unselfishness and love (I Corinthians 13). These vir tues apply to all areas of marriage — but especially to the most intimate and intricate bond of all. Understand ing of the emotional difference be tween husband and wife; trust in the good intentions of the other; patience to meet the others needs; gentleness, as opposed to animal instincts, and unselfish concern for the other first— these are virtues made possible to the Christian. They are a part of the new nature. Can it be possible that these virtues are “ put on” for the public, but for gotten in the home? The lack of this spiritual fruitbearing at home may be what is hindering the Christian’s entire spiritual life (I Peter 3:7).
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