getting massage, or sitting with a book, or watching something interesting or entertaining. I’ve got a long list of things that help me relax.When I was drinking there was only one thing on that list. I changed my approach to fun. I love to work around my farm, play cards, cycle, dance, get ridiculous with girlfriends, take long walks. When I was drinking I might have called things fun, but trust me, there is nothing fun about being addicted to alcohol. There is nothing fun about being hung over.There is nothing fun about blacking out.I pretended to be having fun, but what was true was that I was out of control, living from one night of drinking to the next. I changed my approach to living.In active addiction I always felt that the life I wanted was just out of reach. I could envision it, but I couldn’t get to it, because I was consumed by the daily obsessive/compulsive cycle of addiction. Today, I have a life where a new page unfolds everyday. I have ideas and dreams, I make plans, work hard, do footwork and create realities - all with the confidence that things may or may not go the way I expect, but whatever the outcome I will not just be fine, I will be good. I changed my approach to relationships. This began with honest, loving communication. Say what you mean, mean what you say, but don’t be mean when you say it. I have needs and it is my responsibility to express them. I set boundaries that protect me emotionally. I have learned to be a fucking bother, to take up space, to use my voice. I am also a better listener. I have compassion and empathy. I want to be there for the people I love. Because I am free of addiction I have space in my mind to think of others. I am not consumed by self- centeredness. When I remember to let go, to surrender, I am able to live in the only moment I have, this one. I almost always do my best, it’s just who I am. However, my best doesn’t always look the same. How could it? I am grateful for that awareness. I am able to love and be loved because I don’t live in fear. I still grapple and I still rebel, but I come around so much more quickly. Remembering to surrender my angst and fear to the loving guidance of the universe is the greatest gift of my sobriety. Lots of love Maria xxx
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