HEIDI A.
I was scared that not drinking for my family as a why might mean that my relationship with my husband would change. Many of us start to question our relationships when we stop drinking our feelings away, especially if our partners drink. Maybe our partners were our drinking buddies, maybe we met in a bar, maybe drinking was the biggest thing we had in common or the thing we could do together. I slammed books like Untamed closed after a couple of chapters because I didn’t want to open a Pandora’s box about what life might be like on the other side. I left sober groups where it seemed like many were ending their relationships once sober. Would getting sober mean leaving my husband and upending my life – AGAIN? I did that once already. My husband is my second husband. My list of “never agains” allowed me to overcome the fears of what being sober might lead to. It’s not always a field or bunnies, and I won’t sugar coat it. But the new reality is infinitely better than my old reality, even when it is messy and honestly, brings challenges. My health is a work in progress, but I am slowly being honest with my doctors and catching up on things I should have done long ago. Never again will I be so afraid of taking care of myself that I make the completely illogical choice to drink poison instead. My relationship with my husband has changed, and this too is a work in progress. It is messy as I question whether our old patterns are good enough. But I rediscovered all the reasons why I fell in love with him in the first place. And, I discovered something unexpected – he loves me more than ever. I did not know how much he resented a half- asleep wife and that he actually did not want me as a drinking buddy. When we do go to bars or parties, he proudly announces I don’t drink. It irked me in the beginning as I felt outed, but I now see that he is so unbelievably proud of me. While I have never told him he needs to stop drinking, he has naturally cut back a lot without me as a bad influence or excuse to drink. Maybe he will quit one day, maybe he won’t. But I know he is the only one who can motivate himself to do that. It has to be his decision, not my ultimatum.
I will stay in my lane and work on myself first. From the wise words of Maria in an Hola Sober meeting, I learned that I don’t have to have all of my needs met by one person. What a heavy burden on my husband for me to drunkenly demand that he do so. Never again will I pretend our relationship is perfect. And, that is a new beginning. My relationship with my children has changed as they no longer have a reason to dismiss my opinions. I was hit with some really big curve balls during my first six months of sobriety. I discovered that my addicted self had not noticed that my son was more than just being a moody teenager. I learned he was engaging in self harm and was suicidal. My stepson was diagnosed with cancer for a third time. I did not drink myself away to avoid the reality that one son wanted to die and another one fought to simply live another day. My sober self was able to get my son into an intensive mental health program. I had honest conversations with him about mental health, why I drank and why I quit. I was able to take care of our four other children while my husband focused on my stepson’s treatments. Both boys have turned a corner. My son is loving life. My stepson beat cancer again. We have all been given a new beginning. To all of the ladies starting Pledge 100, please be brutally honest with yourself and your current reality. Is it good enough for you? Are you ready to say never again will I slowly destroy myself and my family? What has held you back? Lots of Love, Heidi xxx
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