Confessions of a payroll manager – Let’s do lunch
Another episode in a series of occasional yet insightful / inciteful, anonymous and whimsical reports revealing the arcane, weird and sometimes torturous world of payroll frequented by payroll professionals. I ’ve never really considered myself much of a social butterfly as my habits are much more akin to the chrysalis they come from. I do better once I’ve fed well and can go hang out in a corner on my own. I suppose though, that as a bit of a lifelong chrysalis, there was bound to come a time when the butterfly in me would have to spread her metaphorical wings. As luck would have it, I was at a Crumbitt’s networking meeting when it happened. I wasn’t meant to be there. Mr Crumbitt had had his name down for it for six months before cancelling last minute with a supposed tummy upset. I say supposed as he was spotted later that day on the fifth hole of Barkleydale’s ‘ultimate crazy golf course and Tupperware barn’ with Molly Parkins, the factory’s veteran tea lady (who was also ‘off with a bug’ that day). In Mr Crumbitt’s absence Frank Leigh (our deputy director) asked me to attend. I very nearly said no and was ready to plead payroll cut off and biscuit fever but then the director, Margaret Mottershed, walked past, patted me on the shoulder and thanked me profusely for taking his place. No way of backing out after that. I’m sure many of you can empathise with my reluctance to attend a meeting that is actually created purely for mingling and being sociable – read awkwardness
and terror. At an induction session many moons ago I had to come up with a ‘fascinating fact’ about myself and the best I could muster was some ancient memory of appearing on a ‘hibernation special’ of Blue Peter when I was six and thinking I’d killed George the tortoise. (I’d obviously missed the crucial point about hibernation being basically a long sleep and had to be taken off set sobbing, declaring myself a murdered and clutching on to Bonnie the dog’s collar for comfort.) However, when I arrived at the meeting I was greeted by a host of smiling, friendly faces, the smell of fresh coffee and – the most reassuring sight of all – a plate of Crumbitt’s own crinkle creams. Despite this I almost lost my confidence before it even got started when a hastily dunked biscuit lost its integrity on its way to my mouth and dropped straight down the front of my suit jacket. Thankfully no-one saw it happen and a quick trip to the ladies and some creative contortions under the hand dryer sorted out most of the damage. As I re-joined the other ‘networkers’ I was approached by a bespectacled young man who ran a business making traffic light sensors. We soon got chatting – I’m a sucker for a ‘how they work’ feature – and it turned out he wasn’t happy with his payroll provider. Up steps me and my newly fluttering butterfly wings to suggest that maybe my team could run the payroll for him. Yes – me – doing some proper networking and ‘bigging up’ my team in the process. After the initial mingling the meeting started proper and the dreaded go-round-
the-room-and-introduce-yourself activity got underway. For some reason I blurted out the tragic tortoise tale again, but this time I got some laughs and a little smattering of applause. Bolstered by that reaction my fears faded to such an extent that when it came to the inevitable brainstorming sessions and group work I was happy to fully join in and even offered to present back to the whole room. Go me! By 3 p.m., six cups of coffee, seven Crumbitt’s crinkle creams and a posh buffet lunch later, I had a pocket full of business cards, two let’s-do-lunch invites and a potential start to a payroll bureau. To say the day had been a success almost feels like an understatement. Back at the office I fed back to an interested Tom Cumberland, who made me a cracking cup of tea and seemed genuinely proud of me for testing out my newly discovered wings. We talked about how positive it can be to get out of the office, broaden your horizons and meet new people. I realised that, though businesses may all have different goals, products and services to sell we all have something in common: people, and making sure they’re paid for the valuable work they do. So – get out of your office folks – spread your wings and see where they take you. n The Editor: Any resemblance to any payroll manager or professional alive or dead, or any payroll department or organisation whether apparently or actually portrayed in this article is simply fortuitous.
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| Professional in Payroll, Pensions and Reward |
Issue 30 | May 2017
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