TALKING IT OVER with Dr. Clyde M. Narramore
SHALL I CONSIDER MARRIAGE Q . I am a young woman in my early twenties and I have been “ going steady” with a young man for a year now. Several times he has be come angry with me and has made quick cancellations of our dates. 1 was looking forward to marriage with him, but now I am not sure. Would it be wise for us to break up? Might this mar or influence our future ? A. You are very sensible in facing this problem before marriage. You may be wise to postpone the wedding and give yourself time to determine what the problem is. Many women have told me that they noticed little personality problems in their boy friends before marriage, but some how thought that when they got married everything would be all right. However, they found that these little personality problems were actually serious disturbances. Con sequently, their marriage became nightmares. I have sometimes wished that psy chological tests were required of everyone getting married, just as physical tests are required in many states. At least each couple would then understand what they faced in marriage and would be free to de cide if they would be willing to put up with it the rest of their lives. It is very wise to study the person you intend to marry. For example, how do they act under pressure? What is his or her reaction to circum stances that require a change of plans or giving in to something that has a priority? Do people continually rub him the wrong way? Does he show resentment and anger easily? Does he reject people who do not agree with him? Is he considerate of your feelings — physical, psychologi cal and spiritual? Remember mar riage is a lifetime partnership. Make sure you understand the kind of part ner you are getting! DEEP DEPRESSION AND GUILT Q . I am a believer, but I feel so far from God. My life has been all mixed up from the time I was a little girl. My mother and father lived unhappi ly together for UO years and then got a divorce. I married at 17, had a child, and was fairly happy until I
Dr. Narramore, graduate of Columbia University, New York City, is a nationally known psychologist. He is the director of one of America's
largest psycholegical clinics— The Christian Counseling center in Rosemead, California.
turbing to you, so he can help you understand their causes and lead you to a resolution of your problems. Very often psychological problems stand in the way of a full enjoyment of our position in Christ Jesus. There are people who accept the for giveness of God but find it difficult to forgive themselves and go on carrying this burden of guilt. The first step in counseling with the insecure individual is to allow him to express freely the fears, hesi tancies and insecurities which are interferring with his personal happi ness. Then comes the evaluation of early experiences in the subject’s background which have caused him to feel the way he does. As he begins to see the relationship to his present experience and feelings, they will begin to lose their hold, and the spir itual channels will become clear of the hindering debris. The insecure and guilt-laden in dividual is in need of love and un derstanding. The Scriptures speak with authority to these very prob lems. They teach the need of the Saviour’s continued guidance. As the believer begins to understand the wonderful dealings of God with man, he gains a new sense of confidence and joy which is impossible outside of Christ. Confidence is bright for those who are in Christ and who know that with His soon coming they will be trans formed into His risen likeness. One of the greatest sources of encourage ment and growth for the insecure individual is the great truth spoken by the Apostle Paul, “ For I am per suaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, n o r things to come, nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord” (Romans 8:38, 39).
went to work. Then I met someone else and was untrue to my husband. Now I feel God would have me make restitution, and that I will never be made whole in His eyes until I do. I go for days in a state of deep de pression. I love my family and love the Lord. If only I could be happy once more! Please give me any help you can. A. From your letter it is easy to understand why you feel the way you do. You were brought up in an atmosphere of instability and un happiness. To escape this, it was quite natural to turn to love and marriage. But marriage is serious business — not an escape mechanism. It could not alleviate the turmoil and confusion within you caused by your poor environment. Neither could you find relief from it by turning to oth er lovers; this only added to your insecurity and confusion. But you can still develop into a mature and secure adult with an increased sense of adequacy and a new joy and zest for living. You know the Lord and at one time felt the joy of sins forgiven. You need to go back to that hallowed ground, and on your knees before Him, pour out your burdens. He will not condemn you. He has told us in His Word that “ If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to for give us and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness” (I John 1 :9). Then stand upon His promises instead of on your feelings, and His peace will settle down upon your heart and mind. Then, too, since you are also a psychological being and have been deeply scarred from your experiences throughout your lifetime, you may find help by seeking a professional counselor and setting up appoint ments for several sessions. Go over all the feelings that have been dis
JUNE, 1967
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