Creating a Sense of Home for Foster and Adopted Children W elcoming a new child into your family is a profound mo- ment—beautiful, yes, but often BY RACHAEL MOSHMAN, M.ED.
intellectually, that she would need time to adjust, but we weren’t fully prepared for how much we would need to adjust, too. Parenting a child who has experienced trauma requires more than love. It requires rewiring your expectations, tools, and timelines. Nancy Mehesy, a therapist who has supported countless foster and adoptive families, shared some hard-earned wisdom that helped ground us, and continues to help the families I support today. 1. LOWER YOUR EXPECTATIONS. THEN LOWER THEM AGAIN. “Foster and adoptive families often bring big hearts and high hopes,” Nancy says. “But they’re frequently caught off guard when children don’t respond with gratitude or immediate attachment. These kids are terrified. They’ve landed in what feels like a foreign country—new language, unfamil- iar customs—and they only realize they’ve broken a rule when someone corrects them.” Nancy encourages parents to connect with others who have walked this path and to remind themselves regularly: The child’s behavior is a survival strategy, not a
personal rejection. “Adding a child to your home, especially through foster care or adoption, reshapes everything: routines, priorities, even the emotional climate. It will impact every member of your family.” 2. FOCUS ON EMOTIONAL SAFETY FIRST. Helping a child feel physically and emotionally safe is the foundation of everything else. Nancy suggests: ■Offer choices whenever possible, even small ones. ■Treat items from their previous homes, such as clothes, books, toys, and photos, with respect. ■Gently introduce new rules and routines with plenty of notice. ■Create a quiet, cozy space they can retreat to when overwhelmed. ■Help them find words (or art, movement, or play) to express big feelings. ■Give permission to love and miss their birth families or past caregivers. And most importantly? Let the relationship build slowly. Don’t try to force bonding or attachment. “It takes time,” Nancy
overwhelming. When the child arrives through foster care or adoption, the emo- tional terrain becomes even more layered. The child has already endured at least one major separation and, quite possibly, many more. They arrive carrying invisible bags of fear, uncertainty, grief, and survival strat- egies. And let’s be real: The adults are often carrying their own bags, too. My daughter entered foster care at age four and moved more than a dozen times before we adopted her at nine. We met her on a Monday. By Friday, she had flown across the country to live with us—a whirl- wind welcome into a completely new life. We had six months of preparation, training, and waiting while the interstate paperwork slowly crawled through the system. But she didn’t have that runway. She didn’t know we existed until a few days before our arrival. In less than a week, she had a new home, state, school, and parents with barely time to catch her breath. Even though we thought we were ready, the reality was far messier and more emotional than expected. We understood,
30 NOVEMBER 2025 | BRPARENTS.COM
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