Confessions of a payroll manager – A Crumbitt’s Christmas Carol
Another episode in a series of occasional yet insightful/inciteful, anonymous and whimsical reports revealing the arcane, weird and sometimes torturous world of payroll frequented by payroll professionals. O ccasionally, among the almost daily ‘brilliant ideas’ from the eccentric mind of Mr Crumbitt, there is a corker. Walking into his office a few weeks ago with the usual sense of dread and my head trying to conceive another brilliant way of saying ‘no’, I was alarmed to see he was wearing a Santa hat and full fake white beard. When he asked “Well, what do you think?” gesticulating towards his costume, my mind was awash with images of the entire factory staff in Santa hats and beards desperately trying to crack on with their work. But this was just an appetiser for his proper idea which was a Christmas bonus! Now, we haven’t had one of these for many years – well, aside from perilously close to being out of date boxes of broken Crumbitt’s crinkles, that is – so this was exciting news indeed. I did have a heart-stopping moment when I saw a newspaper on the desk, displaying the headline ‘Leader of the year gives all staff a free holiday’. However, seeing my eyes on stalks and my bottom lip trembling, Mr Crumbitt took pity and suggested perhaps a company hat or paperweight. Watching me for reactions he ended up shouting out everything from a fridge magnet to a kayak prompting Gary Rumble to pop his head round the door and shout “cuddly toy!”. Eventually Mr Crumbitt conceded defeat and asked me to prepare a proposal paper
for a bonus that would cost no more than £50 per head and keep everything compliant. As ever, when in need of ideas I call upon my fantastic team to see what they can come up with together. It started off quite sensibly: gift vouchers, cinema tickets, box of biscuits (Crumbitt’s, obviously). Everyone got carried away and through word association and unbridled enthusiasm the discussion descended into chaos with random things like dates with minor celebrities, sessions of liposuction or botox, tango classes…and a Ferrari driving experience. When everyone had calmed down with of cup of tea and a biscuit, we made a sensible shortlist of cinema vouchers or high street vouchers and I checked out the tax implications. I found out that vouchers are treated as a benefit in kind and would need to be declared in a settlement agreement with HM Revenue & Customs, which meant we could give everybody £40 of vouchers and use the rest to cover the tax liability. After all, there’s nothing worse than offering a reward and then finding out everyone owes the tax office something. (We had an incident like this before when we considered offering a Christmas turkey to each employee, but HMRC then pointed out it would cost a drumstick in tax for each bird.) Anyway, we procured the vouchers and created a snazzy print off token on the payslips for people to come and collect them from the office. The team created a seasonal display in the department and, with Tony dressed up as all nine of Santa’s reindeers, it really felt like Christmas as they handed out the vouchers. Never missing a trick, the team took the opportunity to
promote some of the staff benefits that generally prove more popular at this time of year – particularly the cycle to work scheme. (Oddly, there seemed to be a lot of enquiries which suggested children may be involved in the commute to work.) As some people lingered to check out the promotions or remark on how wonderful it was to “finally put a face to an email address”, others took the chance to get some ad hoc advice. Evie advised on splitting tax codes and Jace detailed the worldwide subsistence rates for Gary Firkettle from marketing who was heading off to Bulgaria in the new year to promote the new Crumbitt’s range. As people drifted away and the office returned to (relative) normality I presented my team with their vouchers as well as a little bonus from me: a bottle of wine, a box of Crumbitt’s Crackers and a Christmas hug. It was a tradition that started with my manager when I first entered payroll and, though it felt a little Dickensian, it raised a smile (and gave me a legitimate reason to cuddle Tom). As the team left for the Christmas break, I was left on my own but happy all the same. Driving home for Christmas was set up on my iphone, everything was up to date and, best of all, my team was happy. Good payroll can make or break many people’s Christmas, but you can’t make a payroll without good people…and I was lucky enough to have a team full of them. Merry Christmas! n The Editor: Any resemblance to any payroll manager or professional alive or dead, or any payroll department or organisation whether apparently or actually portrayed in this article is simply fortuitous.
| Professional in Payroll, Pensions and Reward | December 2018 / January 2019 | Issue 46 54
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