IT’S ALSO A PAIN IN THE...
such thing as a malignant hemorrhoid.” “In almost every case you’d be right,” the surgeon said and paused in a moment of sympathetic hesitation – and unintentional comic timing, “But...” “Butt?...” I laughed, but I wanted to argue. “Malignant hemorrhoid” is an AM radio shock-jock insult. “Malignant Hemorrhoid” is a Dave Barry rock band name.
of the ass... But what should I do, ask God for a more dignified cancer? Pancreas? Liver? Lung? It’s not every day that you get diagnosed with cancer and it makes you laugh. I’d had a hemorrhoid operation. Two days later the colorectal surgeon called. “I’m sorry to tell you,” he said, “your hemorrhoid was malignant.” “Malignant hemorrhoid?” I said. “There’s no
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American Consequences 63
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