The Sentry: Volume 06, Issue 14



WO R S T ( B U T AT T H E S AM E T I M E T H E B E S T ) S O N G S T O D O C P R T O

Dion, also known as the Titanic theme, is a beautiful and rather rousing song that leaves no eye dry within the context of its film. Tap- ping into that energy for CPR may seem like a good idea, but the song is too slow and languid to have any lifesaving capabilities. The person performing CPR’s heart may go on, but that’s the only one that will. “Stairway to Heaven” by Led Zepplin, a beautiful song that may or may not contain Satanic messag- ing, is also one to avoid. Keeping the slow beat in one’s head, combined with all the guitar solos between lyrics, make this a definite no-go. Choosing this song will ensure that the person in need of CPR will, rather involuntarily, start climbing those stairs. “Bring Me To Life” by Eva- nescence feels right, with it’s

hit someone in the chest like in the movies, expecting the person to just cough themselves back to consciousness. With all these rules, it can be hard to remember what exactly to do at all. How fast, how hard, and how long should one perform the compressions? How close together should they be? And should one figure that out before being in a situation with someone who needs help? A strategy that cuts straight through the confusion is to sing a song while performing CPR, pump- ing to the beat. This will ensure that the compressions are prop- erly spaced and deliver the proper oomph. However, not every song is equally useful for CPR. Here are some tunes that should be avoided: “My Heart Will Go On” by Celine


by Jeremiah Blackman

C PR, or cardiopulmonary resuscitation if one wants to get fancy with it, is a life-saving technique taught in lifeguard schools across the world. It may seem like simply pushing on a chest, but the true professionals understand the nuances of proper administration, as there are some definite do’s and don’ts. For exam- ple: do make sure that someone is actually in trouble and not just taking a nap before starting. Don’t

Photo cour tesy of Spot i fy


aggressive beat and screaming. Also, very on-brand with what CPR is designed for. However, singing this song with the too-slow beat and the aggressionmight make one wake up

inside, but will do very little for the person they’re trying to help.

MO S T P A I N F U L L O S S O F 2 0 2 0

eaten by the dozen, especially con- sidering the low price of $1.29 per slice of heaven. While the Taco Bell spicy potato taco was certainly the pin- nacle of their menu, the versatility of the potato really shined through in their vegetarian concoctions. Veg-heads could replace any meat with potato, turning every menu item into their own customized creation. Potato quesadillas? A starchy paradise. Potato burritos with nacho cheese? Pure nirvana. Potato breakfast burritos with Diablo sauce? Chef ’s kiss. The Taco Bell potato was no ordinary potato: they’re crispy, with a perfect spice- to-salt ratio. An absolute delicacy. But then, in August 2020, the corporate fools in charge of the Taco Bell menu eviscerated the Taco Bell potato from their menu, leaving a cold void in the hearts of Americans forever. Taco Bell

enthusiasts wept in the streets as they watched their one true love fall into a pile of dust. Amidst a damn pandemic, an anxiety-in- ducing election, and the horrifying advance of climate change, the corporate machine that is Taco Bell® decided they would further ruin 2020. Rest in peace, Taco Bell pota- toes. They shall be missed. And Taco Bell shall rue the day. Rue it!


by Lorraine Kelly

F rom masks becoming the most popular accessory to the most contentious, dra- matic, exhausting election ever, 2020 has brought a lot of change. And American society has dealt with unimaginable loss this year, from cancelled birthdays, holi- days, graduations. But ultimately, the real tragedy of 2020 has been the loss of Taco Bell potatoes. The potato. Life’s most versa- tile veggie. So simple, and yet so magical. For millennia, the potato has stood as a symbol of what freedom, joy, and love really mean. French fries, mashed potatoes,

I l lust rat ion: Aar t i Durej as • The Sent ry


gnocchi: all of the best foods are potato-based. But when combined with Taco Bell’s equally majestic chipotle sauce and doughy, vaguely

plastic-y tortillas, the potato transforms into an even more incredible beast, a true god among men. Spicy potato tacos could be

WE I R D E S T D E S S E R T R E C I P E S F R OM T H E 1 9 5 0 ’ S

it may be to dump a whole bottle of mayo in a bowl of perfectly good chocolate goodness, the taste was great. Overall, this recipe deserves a 8/10. It is a good chocolate cake with no hint of mayonnaise. Now moving on to a dessert drink, hot Dr. Pepper. After heat- ing the soda in a pot, the drink did not have any of its usual fizziness left. The best way to describe the taste is if Dr. Pepper was turned into tea. Unfortunately, there was an odd smell of what was probably burnt soda which made the experi- ence unpleasant. This recipe gets a 6/10 for being surprisingly not hor- rible, but leaves a lingering smell. Of course, there would be no list of 1950’s desserts without an abundance of oddly shaped gela- tin. Jell-O itself is nice, however the other ingredients added for presentation bring this recipe down. Jell-O does not need bits of

fruit or bread or even tuna fish to be a fun dessert. The texture alone gives these collective Jell-O recipes a 4/10. On one hand, these desserts looked pretty. On the other hand, there is no excuse for tuna Jell-O. That is a war crime. For those looking for a culinary adventure, try some of these recipes out, but be prepared to have the after- taste of unwanted generational trauma passed down through the generations.


by Frankie Spiller

W hat do mayonnaise, Dr. Pepper, and tuna have in common? The fact that they all have their own dessert rec- ipes. Nowadays these past recipes can seem odd or downright inedible due to their ingredients. It is time to put these old time recipes to the test. First, there is the good old mayonnaise chocolate cake. This one may sound disgusting, but when broken down to its own ingredients, mayo is really just eggs, oil, and salt. As disgusting as

Photo cour tesy of The Aust in Chroni c le


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