DECEMBER 02 - JANUARY 26
MOST SIGHWORTHY DAD JOKES
1. Mom, after recovering from COVID: “My smell is starting to come back!” Dad : “You better go take a shower to take care of that.”
CUE THE SIGHS
by Amanda Blackman
2. (At the airport)
Dad: “I think the person at the airline check-in counter just threatened me.” Family: “What?” Dad: “Yeah, she said, ‘Window or aisle?’ and I said, ‘Window or you’ll what?” 3. Dad: “My boss wants me to sign up for a 401k, but I don’t think I can run that far!” 4. Dad: “Did you hear about the superhero group that orders drinks but pours all of the liquid out?” Family: “No…?”
H ang around any dad for at least 15 minutes and sighs are sure to abound from their many jokes that only they themselves find funny. Many dad jokes are tastefully woven into conversations, thought up on the fly away from the main point of a conversation. Some of the jokes below have been overheard by dads or found on Reddit. Here’s to the dad joke-crack- ers out there—those who are actual dads, or just those who have a questionable sense of humor.
I just know that Xander is going to say “Really? Another list col- umn? I did that first” in response to this, but it’s fine. In honor of the season and this shitty year, here is everything I’m thankful for: 1. SOMEWHERE IN NEVERLAND Merci
Photo cour tesy of Chr i s Blakeley v ia Fl i ckr
DAD JOKES SURE TOMAKE ANY EYES ROLL.
Dad: “Yeah, they ’re calling
the bathroom could spell disaster.”
themselves the Just-Ice Squad.”
7. Dad: “My friends and I started a business where we weigh small objects.”
5. Dad: “You know, Starbucks could release their own line of face masks. They could call them, ‘Coughy filters.’” 6. Dad: “I accidentally ate some scrabble tiles. My next trip to
Dad: “Yeah, it’s a small-scale
My parents and everything they’ve done for me in my life My cute pups that never fail to make me smile My best pal and old roomie, Haley; it’s been almost a year since I’ve seen her in person and I miss her bunches My friends that I still talk to from high school My friends that I’ve made during my time in college and at The Sentry The red couch in The Sentry office and all the good naps The nostalgia that has come out of the garbage fire that is this year The feeling you get when you remember an old favorite song
WHICH POTATO IS THE BEST?
variations, like Burger King where the hash browns come in cute bite sizes. 3. Sheppard’s pie . Why settle for regular mashed potatoes! Spice it up! Put some meat in there, bake it till it’s crispy! 4. Potato crispers . Again, why settle for regular mashed pota- toes? Crispers are cheesy potato balls that are fried until they ’re crispy (hence the name). They ’re the perfect quick snack and take no time to make.
by Kaia Stallings
I t’s no secret to anyone that potatoes are the GOAT when it comes to side dishes. In fact, most people can agree that French fries, curly fries, and tater tots are just as important as the burgers they accompany. Ever wondered what the fatal flaw of Wendy ’s is? The terrible fries. Fear not, because there are tons of other potato dishes that are just as delicious. Here are some, better, if not the best ways to consume potatoes: 1. Loaded potato skins . Every place does this differently, some
Photo cour tesy of Sahand Babal i v ia Unsplash “PO-TA-TOES! BOIL THEM, MASH THEM, STICK THEM IN A STEW.”
9. That I’m graduating next se- mester (oof, I’m tired) 10. The adrenaline rush from the lights going down at a show 11. That I got to have three nor- mal years of college (I still wish my senior year didn’t suck, but thankful nonethe- less) 12. My students and the peo- ple I’ve gotten to meet and work with in PAL the last two years 13. The feeling in your stomach when you laugh so hard that noise stops coming out 14. The feeling you get when you find your new favorite song and listen to it over and over until you’re tired of it 15. The feeling you get when you’re singing along to said favorite song in a sea of peo- ple with the performer on stage 16. Having a comfortable place to live in both my hometown and in Denver 17. Being fortunate enough to go to school in Denver 18. All the cool things I’ve got- ten to do the last three years with my best friends 19. The bittersweet feeling of going back home for the hol- idays 20. When it starts to rain up in the mountains, the smell is unrivaled Editor’s Pick: “Kiss Goodnight” by IDKHOW
opt to scoop out the actual potato content and consumers are left with a crispy, cheesy, bacon filled sanctuary, or they spice it up by filling the potato skin with the potato to make it gooier, since the cheese melts into the potato. This is honestly just as exciting. Chili’s had great loaded potato skins before they removed them from
the menu. A horrible business decision. 2. Hash browns . Give a round of applause for this versatile queen. There’s the classic shred- ded style of hash browns which offers everyone a chance to load up the potato with anything they please, or the incredible fast-food
5. Steak fries . It’s all the glory
of a French fry multiplied.
It doesn’t matter how they ’re consumed, or even from where. All potatoes deserve the same amount of respect, because without them, food would not be the same.
the entire 1,200 dollars on toilet paper alone (at least, hopefully not), but that sweet stimulus stack came in clutch for the many panicked gro- cery raiders whose first apparent worry on the precipice of a pan- demic was how the hell someone cleans up when the T.P. has run dry. Clearly, The Western Handyman’s handy-dandy bidet never crossed their minds (a.k.a. a garden hose). A collection of runners-up include booking vacations, attempt- ing to “time the market,” and even the slightly more practical sounding decision of immediately paying it all towards debt (when deferred and reduced payments were on the way for a number of institutions). Of course, the money is free to be spent as wished; but with the future finan- cial ramifications of this year, there may be better investments than a 128 pack of toilet paper. WORST MONEY MOVES MADE WITH STIMULUS CHECKS
Well, as expected, a majority used it to keep up with payments— as per the use intended by our wealthy distributors.The US Bureau of Labor Statistics reported that “of those who received or expected to receive a payment, the largest per- centage indicated that they would use the stimulus payment to mostly pay for expenses,” including that 66 percent reported using at least some portion of the money for food. But for the people who maybe didn’t need the money in that moment, what then? As many know, when the pan- demic was first taking hold, people cleared out the grocery stores like it was the apocalypse. One house- hold item, in particular, became a rare commodity not long after the initial strike… That’s why coming in first place for worst money moves made—toilet paper. Okay, so probably no one spent
TRIPLE PLY, FEELIN’ FLY
by Tommy Clift
F irst receiving news that the United States Federal Gov- ernment planned to send money out to citizens, although desperately needed, was an unex- pected move—they just mean Jeff Bezos and friends, right? Well, apparently all it took was a massive pandemic sweeping the country for capitalism’s number one fans to embrace a little socialism in their lives (although they’d never admit it), and soon enough, 1,200 dollar checks were in the bank accounts of thousands of citizens. What did they spend it on?
Photo cour tesy of Er i k Mc lean v ia Unsplash
WHO NEEDS TO PAY THEIR BILLS, RIGHT?
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