NEWS
The Sentry
THE BEST AND WORST UNITED STATES SENATORS
Dianne Feinstein (California): AKA Dianne “that bitch” Feinstein. Did everyone see the video of her swatting down the youth climate activists? Yeah, she put those lit- tle nerds in their place. Dianne “Relax!!! It’s California” Feinstein. Angus King (Maine): Hahaha, Angus. Haha look guys, he’s the Angus King. Nice. Ed Markey (Massachusetts): The Senate Jock who pulls all the hot young babes over in the House of Reps. Ted Cruz is jealous of what he has with AOC. Florida senator has been in office for nine years and, in that time, has failed to get even one person named “Polo” elected with him. He hasn’t even made any “Polo” candi- date endorsements. Kamala Harris (California): The Worst Marco Rubio (Florida): This Californian Kamala (a name that was literally NOT made up) has been so bad at her job that they
transferred her to another depart- ment. It’s said that all she does now is work as an assistant for some crazy old man. Rand Paul (Kentucky): One- time Rand Paul filibustered the CIA director confirmation just to make everyone sit through his 13-hour stand-up routine. It sucked too, he basically ripped off Joe Rogan. Tom Cotton (Arkansas): This guy’s always going around asking people if they want to wrestle, and it’s starting to make some of the press secretaries really uncomfortable. Lisa Murkowski (Alaska): The word around the block is that when all the senators eat lunch together in the Senate cafeteria, Lisa Mur- kowski sits all by herself. One time she overheard Lindsay Graham in the hallway calling her, “that weird girl from Alaska.” Thom Tillis (North Carolina): Guys with names like Thom should sthop thrying tho piss me off. Sth- upid Thom.
HEY, ARE THOSE GUYS ANY GOOD? WHAT’S THEIR DEAL?
by Benjamin Neufeld
T he political chaos of an elec- tion year, as well as general, less time-specific chaos, has had the public keeping a sharp eye on American politics. But most of the attention has been funneled toward the presidential election. What about Congress? What about the Senate? Has anyone been keep- ing tabs on what they’re all up to? Yes. Here’s the guide to the best and the worst of what the United States Senate has to offer: The Best Tommy Tuberville (Arkansas): Are you kidding!!! This guy’s name is Tommy Tuberville??! Are you kidding?!!
Photo Courtesy of Dianne Feinstein’s Facebook Page
DIANNE FEINSTEN, PICTURED ABOVE, HAS GARNERED CON- TROVERSY OVER HER VIEW ON THE GREEN NEW DEAL.
WORST WAY TO WEAR A DAMN MASK
better than wearing a little bit of fabric over your mouth AND nose? Just as importantly, masks keep faces mysterious. It’s sexy, enig- matic: think masquerade party, but guided by public health measures. Throw on a pair of Gucci sunglasses and instantly, undercover FBI agent mode has been activated. But not only is mystery fun and flirty: masks allow everyone to navigate the world without being recognized by vague acquaintances at the grocery store. Whether it be an old significant other, that one high school teacher that was a little weird and talked a lot about their cat, or a coworker who microwaves fish in the break room, masks conceal the face, mak- ing it almost unrecognizable. By now, those who refuse to don a mask have become the ulti- mate black sheep. Not wearing a mask is now the world’s biggest faux pas. Throwing around respira- tory droplets and yucky germs is by far the ugliest, trashiest, least cool thing a person can do. Wearing a mask: hot. Going barefaced? Totally not.
NOT WEARING A MASK IS EQUIVALENT TO LOW-RISE JEANS
by Lorraine Kelly
F orget trendy loungewear sets and enviable mom jeans. The real fashion trend, the one that took the world by storm, has been masks. Everyone has a favorite mask, and everyone has masks that match different outfits. Masks are tres vogue; even the hottest celebs bop around Beverly Hills wearing them. And thus, the worst fashion trend of 2020 has been the act of not wearing a mask. Empathy is in vogue these days. Even a radically individualized society like the US has (somewhat) come together to slow the spread of the deadly virus. And what says “I don’t want other people to die just because my selfish ass didn’t want to be vaguely inconvenienced”
Photo by Taelar Pollmann · The Sentry
LASZLO SAYS, “ALWAYS WEAR A MASK! EXCEPT NOT LIKE THIS WHEN OUT IN PUBLIC!”
REVIEWING THE BEST AND WORST MONTHS OF THE YEAR
that is not necessarily a good thing. However, while the year itself can be thrown in the garbage, are there any good things that happened in individual months? Maybe there is something salvageable? January and February, these seem so long ago, with their impending threats of World War Three and Australian bush fires that ravaged the country. Collec- tively, 6/10. While at the time these events were the news of the world, people have moved on to bigger fish. Overall, these two months
were not nearly close to being the worst. October was a neutral month, being at a 5/10. On one hand, all of the craziness of the 2020 elec- tions made people on opposing ends of the political spectrum even more vocal than usual. On the other hand, the debates made for wonderful entertainment during these trying times. Additionally, Colorado was on fire for a majority of that month and others, but it was balanced out by the creativity of people preparing for a socially
distant Halloween.
People need to be honest with themselves… 2020 is almost entirely irredeemable. Sure, some learned new talents and everyone has come to appreciate their ability to breathe, but at what cost? All humanity can hope is that 2021 cannot possibly be any worse… right?
WAS 2020 REALLY ALL THAT BAD?
March…what can be said about March? This month may not have been the most terrible in terms of COVID numbers, however it was the start of it all. There is no rating for this month, rather a petition and plea. People collectively must remove March from all calendars in the future. For the sake of humani- ty’s mental health, everyone should forget March ever existed. Very few will be alive by then so what is the risk? Remove March, become a healthier person.
by Frankie Spiller
O verall, there are not many nice things that can be said about the year 2020. People have and will continue to live through historic events and
Made with FlippingBook Annual report